Heroes Abridged: With Commentary, Genesis
by Anonymius
Summary: When inter-franchise being the Commentator is told by his assistant the Professor about Heroes, at first he is cynical, believing every Sci-fi-fan series being fated to become really mediocre. Then he realises that it's worth checking out!
1. In His Own Image

**I do not own 'Heroes' or anything related.**

* * *

Two years ago…

Professor: Hey sir! Have you heard of this new series called 'Heroes'? They're calling it the new 'Lost'!

Commentator: The new 'Lost', you say? But the old 'Lost' hasn't even finished yet! What's it about?

Professor: It's about a group of once ordinary people who discover that they have super powers and that they're crucial in saving the world from the Apocalypse.

Commentator: Sounds like a cross between 'X-Men' and '4400'. Who's in it?

Professor: Well let's see. (Looks at list in hand) There's the son of Rocky Balboa, that main guy in 'Mysterious Ways,' a CIA agent, the girl who manipulated Malcolm in the middle and his brother Reese into thinking each other was gay, an initiative soldier turned Frankenstein monster, Octavian, a DOE specialist, the woman from 'House on Haunted Hill' who pretends to be rich, a woman with previous roles too obscure to be worth mentioning, the son of a gay couple who got hit by a baseball, and a CGI specialist.

Commentator: I know nothing of that movie.

Professor: No, seriously, he worked at Lucasfilm and was responsible for helping produce the prequel trilogy and CGI water.

Commentator: Oh right! Well, that's a very exhaustive list. No wonder they're calling it the new 'Lost'!

Professor: So, interested?

Commentator: Eh, I don't know, Professor. I've kinda gone off watching any Sci-fi or fantasy series.

Professor: -Huh? Why?

Commentator: Well, every writer or creator is under the false belief that just because it's a series that deals with the unreal, that the viewers will just ignore all defiants of logic or common sense! I mean what they don't seem to get through their heads is that just because people suspend belief in magic, superpowers, aliens and high tech, it doesn't mean they'll suspend belief in things like time paradoxes, or genetic memory, or minors living without guardians or any supervision or rewriting of character background or anything that contradicts what previously happened in the series!

Professor: (Oh no. I've sent him on a rant)

Commentator: I mean they all start off fine, with a set of rules and a logical framework established, which is the only way that most fans will take a series seriously, and they're at the peak of their popularity. As time passes though, they'll rewrite characters, suspend all laws of physics, discard away the logical framework that gave their fantastical world substance, ignore previous happenings in the series, and expect the viewers to have the memory of goldfish, all for the sake of higher ratings and 'dramatic effect'! Next thing you know, one of the greatest series ever produced has degenerated into a low rated pile of goop…which makes it fertile ground for commentating, let's go check it out!

Professor: (Groan) Can't you just watch something without commentating on it all the time?

Commentator: You might as well expect certain breeds of nerd not to criticise every single second of whatever series they're watching! Professor! Get me the coordinates for Heroes!

Professor: You know, I was thinking that we could just watch it on the telly-

Commentator: NO! I must personally enter the world! And where are those coordinates?

Professor: (Sigh) Why can't we just watch something or read something behind a screen or paper for once like normal people?

Commentator: Aww, cos that's no fun! You know that in 'Star Trek' television went obsolete because interactive entertainment superseded it?

Professor: One of the aspects of the future that I find unbelievable.

Commentator: Now where are those coordinates?

Professor: Fine, then! Here are your stinking coordinates!

Commentator: Uhuh. Right then! (Opens portal) Professor! Let's go!

Professor: Why do you have to drag me with you, why can't you commentate by yourself?

Commentator: But that's like Batman without Robin!

Professor: But in Goblet of Fire you said-

Commentator: Quickly, let's go! (Grabs the professor and drags him in the portal)

* * *

Commentator: There. Now where are we?

Professor: It appears that we're on a rooftop.

Commentator: I can see that! What I meant was- Hey, what's that guy doing?

Professor: It looks like he's about to jump.

Commentator: WHA?

Professor: Well not actually jump, more like fall forwards in a graceful fashion.

Commentator: NO! Don't do it-you. You've got too much to live for! I mean I don't know exactly about your life or what you've got to live for-

Professor: Once again, not helping!

Commentator: Oh you know me, Professor, I'm a critic by nature! I mean if you're going to kill yourself, do it in a way that doesn't cause you pain- NO, he jumped! Or rather fell in a grace- Hey, what's happening to the light? Why's it becoming so bright?

Professor: I haven't seen you this baffled since we watched the end of 'Naruto the Movie.'

* * *

Director: Great job, everyone!

Commentator: Wait! What's going on? What's happening?

Professor: Apparently this entire scenario never really happened. Of course this is all fictional so it never really happened in the first place, but even in the fictional universe, this story was fiction.

Commentator: WHAA?

* * *

Commentator: Oh, it was just a dream!

* * *

Mohinder: And that's why, class, my father was right about people being born with superpowers and that they are the next stage in evolution.

Nirad: Mohinder, who are you talking to?

Mohinder: My class.

Nirad: But there's no one here!

Mohinder: Look, I stayed up all night coming up with this speech, it's gonna be heard by someone, even if there's no one in the room!

Nirad: Uhuh. By the way, your father's dead.

* * *

Nirad: New York's a dangerous place. Especially for people our colour. Actually everywhere in the United States at the moment is dangerous for people our colour! The police don't have any clues as to who is responsible, but I think it was some vigilante wannabe who thought he was making America a safer place by killing a potential suicide bomber.

Mohinder: But my father wasn't Muslim! Let alone an extremist Muslim!

Nirad: Mohinder, nowadays, Americans take a glimpse at someone of dark skin and just assume that they're about to explode!

Mohinder: Aren't you exaggerating a little? I mean surely Americans can see the difference between Asians and Middle Easterners!

Nirad: If that was so, they wouldn't have cast an actor with ancestry from Kerala to play an Iraqi!

Mohinder: Wait, an Indian playing an Iraqi? How does that work?

Nirad: I rest my case.

Mohinder: Although now that I think about it, I always thought that Father looked Iranian. Actually he was mistaken for a variety of ethnicities as far as Greece! Well anyway, I'm off to the U.S. to finish his work.

Nirad: No Mohinder! Don't go! You'll die! Or at least suffer intense discrimination!

Mohinder: It's a risk I'm willing to take.

* * *

Peter: So I had this dream about falling and you were in it so-

Nathan: Do you really think I care? Leave me alone; I don't have time for any social activity!

Random worker: Hey Nathan! Wanna have lunch later today?

Nathan: Sure, why not? I've got plenty of time!

Peter: Wow. You know, your 'Mysterious Ways' character was a lot nicer!

Nathan: I decided to try out a different character!

Random Worker 2: Oh Nathan! Your mum called, it seems she's been arrested.

Nathan: SHE WHAT!

* * *

Nathan: Mum, how dare you commit petty theft! Do you have any idea how this will make me look like to the press?

Angela: How will me being a kleptomaniac make you look like a bad politician?

Nathan: Hey, you were the one who taught me you can never be too paranoid about bad press! Even when that paranoia ironically is your downfall!

* * *

Peter: So anyway, Nathan, the dream has convinced me that I can fly!

Nathan: -Peter, do you have any idea how insane that sounds?

Peter: It sounds insane?

Nathan: (Groan) Look, to change the subject, how about you come work for me?

Peter: Gee, working for my verbally abusive brother! What an opportunity!

Nathan: Exactly! I can't just be surrounded by all these faceless Random Workers whom I cloned!

Peter: -Wha?

Nathan: …I did not just say that. I mean it; I did not say that! If you breathe any word of it to anyone, I'll disown you quicker than you can say, er, 'disown'.

Peter: Like you haven't already practically disowned me!

Nathan: Oh you just wait for a couple of episodes. Then you'll see how far I can really disown! Well let me try to convince you by telling you that your career choice has no future and that you're acting like a kid.

Peter: Oh yeah. Go ahead and insult me. That will definitely win me over! Has anyone told you what a complete arse you are?

Nathan: All the time. I consider it a compliment!

Peter: I really shouldn't for a guy running for public office!

Commentator: There's a reason why this guy has such low polls.

Nathan: What was that?

Commentator: Nothing!

* * *

Mohinder: Hi there.

Peter: Hey there taxi driver. Oh I'm sorry. Salaam.

Mohinder: What?

Peter: Sorry, did I say it wrong? I'm pretty sure that's Arabic for hello!

Mohinder: I don't speak Arabic.

Peter: Oh sorry! My bad! Well unfortunately I don't know any Persian.

Mohinder: I don't speak Persian either.

Peter: Oh. Kurdish?

Mohinder: No.

Peter: Turkish?

Mohinder: No.

Peter: Pushtun?

Mohinder: No.

Peter: Dari?

Mohinder: No.

Peter: Assyrian-?

Mohinder: Excuse me; did you not see my name on the card in front of me? Is it not in big enough letters for you? Does 'Mohinder Suresh' sound Middle Eastern to you?

Peter:-OH, YOU'RE INDIAN!

Mohinder: Thank you. Honestly, I am so sick of people in this country mistaking me for a Middle Easterner! I mean this one woman was baffled why at midday I wasn't praying in the direction of Mecca!

Peter: -That's tough man.

Mohinder: It really is. By the way, here's your stop.

Peter: Thanks. I'm so sorry that we got off on the wrong foot! If anything I wish I could apologise in Indian!

Mohinder: -Indian…?

Peter: By the way, your English is very good. Where did you study?

Mohinder: IT'S MY NATIVE LANGUAGE, YOU IGNORANT AMERICAN! ENGLISH IS ONE OF INDIA'S OFFICIAL LANGUAGES ALONG WITH HINDI!

Peter: Oh-okay. I think I'll run away now.

Mohinder: OH AND BY THE WAY, THERE'S NO SUCH LANGUAGE AS INDIAN! (Dumps his head on the wheel). Groan.

(Mysterious person with horn-rimmed glasses enter)

Mohinder: Yeah. Where do you want to go?

HRG: To the Met.

Mohinder: Fine then!

Commentator: Hmm. Maybe this is why some taxi drivers are so grumpy.

HRG: 'Mohinder Suresh'. That's Indian, right?

Mohinder: NO IT'S- Wait, what did you just say?

HRG: I said that's Indian, right?

Mohinder: OH THANK GOD! You have no idea how frustrating it is when people don't recognise your nationality!

HRG: That's nice. You know, I once met a man named Suresh. He was this scientist who-

Mohinder: I mean just now I picked up a guy who thought I spoke Arabic then went through all of these Middle Eastern languages! And yesterday there was this woman who-

HRG: This is not exactly how I imagined this conversation to go.

* * *

Nathan: Peter, what are you doing on that rooftop?

Peter: I wanted you to be the one to see this! (Steps closer to the edge)

Nathan: Whoa whoa whoa! If this is because I insulted your choice in career, it's not my fault! It's my nature to be an arse! To you, that is.

Peter: It's my turn to be somebody, Nathan! (Stretches out arms)

Nathan: NO PETE, DON'T DO IT! DON'T KILL YOURSELF!

Peter: I'm not going to kill myself! I'm intending to fly!

Nathan: -Oh. Yes, that's definitely less insane!

_Will Peter succeed in flying by falling? Will Nathan stop being such an arse? Will everyone stop mistaking Mohinder for being Middle Eastern? (Unlikely) Find out next time, on Heroes Abridged! (With Commentary)_

Commentator: You were right, Professor! This show is definitely entertaining!

Professor: I kinda prefer the real version.

Commentator: Nah! This is way more fun!

* * *

**P.S. I do not own 'Naruto' or anything related either!**


	2. Don't Look Leap

**I do not own Heroes or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back my normal and hero wannabe friends to the second chapter of 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'! Before we begin let's look at the reviews you sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!

(The Professor does so, and out pops an envelope)

Commentator: Right then! (Takes and opens envelope) Our one and only review is from crazysane:

This is funny, you should definately write some more, if only for my sake. Pretty please!

Commentator: Thank you for your review, crazysane! Anonymius was beginning to think that this parody wasn't very good. And here's your wish, the second chapter, "Don't Look Leap"!

* * *

Peter: Groan, what happened?

Nathan: You fell by a fourteen foot drop, crashing either on the car or the ground, it's not made very clear where you landed, yet all you've suffered was a mild concussion, and even though you're miraculously unharmed, the doctors still want to keep you until tonight.

Peter: Huh. That makes sense.

Nathan: No it doesn't. Now let me make you doubt your sanity by denying that we ever flew.

Peter: -But, I hadn't even mentioned it yet!

Nathan: …No, but you were definitely thinking it!

Peter: Wait, how could you have possibly known what I was thinking?

Nathan: Because I'm your older brother.

Peter: But you couldn't possibly-

Nathan: YOU'RE INSANE!

* * *

_Meanwhile in Texas, in a small town a blond high school fifteen-year-old cheerleader has just discovered that she has regenerative abilities and can come back from the dead an infinite number of times. No. It's not Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Her name's Claire Bennett, and due to living in a normal family (Where unknown to her, her father is in cliché style the main villain of the series. No it's not the John Lithgow character from the Santa Claus movie), naturally she desires to know about her real parents._

Claire: There are so many questions that I need answering. Who are my parents? Where does my ability come from? And how is it that I've lived in Texas all my life yet I don't sound Texan?

Zach: Claire, none of us sound Texan, you don't see any of us complaining!

* * *

_Meanwhile in Los Angeles, a cop is at the scene of the most gruesome murder he's ever seen._

Cop 1: Well this is the most gruesome murder I've ever seen. The scalp has been removed and the brain taken out, which is nowhere to be seen.

Cop 2: Are you saying that we're dealing with some sort of zombie?

Cop 3: But it's daylight outside!

Cop 2: That's a vampire, you nitwit!

Cop 3: Same type of living!

* * *

_Meanwhile back in New York, Peter has a cunning plan to make Nathan confess about his flying ability._

Peter: If you don't say you flew then I'll jump off this ledge!

_Wait. That's your cunning plan? Either he confesses or you kill yourself? I don't think you've thought this through!_

Nathan: Well even though you'll be able to fly anyway I'm going to confess anyway for no reason that we both flew.

Peter: YOU'RE JUST TELLING ME WHAT I WANT TO HEAR! I CAN'T FLY!

_Hmm. Maybe you ARE insane._

Nathan: Pete, look! You're flying!

Peter: I'm flying? I'M FLYING! For some reason knowing this makes me unbelievably happy and makes me want to hug you!

Nathan: And for some reason you learning that you can fly makes me unbelievably happy and makes me want to hug you!

Commentator: This has got to be the worst planned out scene I have ever watched!

* * *

_Meanwhile in inter-franchise limbo, the Commentator and the Professor discuss the layout of the series so far._

Commentator: I'm just saying having the ordinary people discovering that they have extraordinary abilities dotted throughout the world rather than being concentrated in one country would have made a far more interesting storyline! I mean I thought this series was supposed to deal with mutants of the world, not America!

Professor: They're not all based in America!

Commentator: Oh yes, one Japanese character, one against like ten, that completely makes it an international cast!

Professor: There's also Suresh!

Commentator: Oh yes, two non-American main characters in a show that's supposed to deal with the world's mutants rather than just one part of the world, two makes it multinational!

Professor: They're called heroes, Sir, not mutants.

Commentator: No, a hero is someone who does things heroically. Have any of these characters done anything heroically? I mean all of them?

Professor: Well, they're all embarking on the journey of becoming heroes! It's just a general fan term, Sir-

Commentator: Prof, you know how I feel about fan terms! I've never used the term 'meteor freak', and I'm not using the term 'hero' to refer to what clearly are mutants!

Sammy the Slug: (Slivers in) Isn't that term copyrighted by X-Men or something?

Commentator: No! I mean first you accept fan terms for things, then you start accepting mistranslations of words from other languages, then you start believing in whatever one fan said about a series being apparently crap, causing problems for everyone! I prefer to craft my own dialogue and make my own views on something rather than be a sheep and regurgitate whatever it was a really picky, snuck-up fan once said.

Sammy: Isn't it parrots that repeat something that was said?

Commentator: IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH!

Professor: Well anyway I think we've drifted from our original debate, Sir. Television series of any country tend to be own country-centric. Just look at Bleach. Or Doctor Who.

Commentator: Not all of them! I mean Lost had a multinational cast, and you would have expected less people from across the world and more Australians on a plane from Sydney to L.A.! And where were all the Australians?

Professor: Well if you were the creator of Heroes, where would you situate your heroes?

Commentator: Well let's see. (Pulls down a map and takes out a pointer) I think I would have my cast members (Waves the pointer around) here (points at Democratic Republic of the Congo), here (Indonesia), here (Fiji), here (China), here (Canada), here (Iceland), here (Russia), here (Brazil), here (France), here (Japan), here (North Korea), here (Switzerland) and finally here! (United States)

Sammy: Wow! That really is a multinational cast!

Professor: Yes with most of the time in subtitles! Why don't you just create a fanfic involving all these characters with how you think Heroes should be like?

Commentator: I would but sadly I haven't come up with a plot yet.

Professor: Well besides, Sir, I think we'll be seeing more characters from other countries beginning next year. Plus I hear there's going to be this spin-off that deals with characters discovering abilities dotted across the world that will come out at the same time as Season 2. And even should the chance happened that the producers decide to cancel Heroes: Origins due to the workload and a drop in ratings causing them to want to focus on the original, or that the writers attempt to introduce more non-American characters will end in disaster because one fan would compare them to the highly unpopular Nikki and Paulo of Lost, causing them to hate the new characters as well as any other brand new characters and force them to focus on the main characters from Season 1, which itself was probably a problem because it included characters whose plot had already finished and there wasn't anymore character development to develop, ignoring that the point of Heroes was people dealing with extraordinary abilities which may have cause the drop in ratings in the first and only focusing on the same characters will result in continual drop in ratings and any new character introduced will be with their storylines and they will likely be also American and not from another country, there's always the graphic novels.

Commentator: I don't read comic books.

Professor: No, Sir, they're not comic books. They're 'Graphic Novels'.

Commentator: Sure, whatever you say, "Graphic Novels".

Professor: …I'm finding your dismissive view of comics quite surprising, Sir. Don't you read manga?

Commentator: That's completely different!

Professor: How?

Commentator: You mean besides being in black and white and read from right to left?

Professor: I mean how is reading manga any different from reading U.S. comic books?

Commentator: Because every manga that I ever read first drew me in with an excellent anime adaptation. Apart from Fullmetal Alchemist.

* * *

_Ahem, meanwhile in New York, Peter Petrelli is experimenting to fly again at a playground._

Commentator: I can understand that you're trying to experiment with your ability, but wouldn't it be better not to do it in a public place?

Peter: Hey, there's no one here! Apart from that kid over there.

Commentator: I'm just saying you never know when someone might appear out of nowhere and either think you're a freak or a freak. Either way it won't look good for you. I mean what's wrong with trying to do it in your apartment when no one can see you?

Peter: (Falling from the one hundredth time) I don't understand it! Flying by falling first worked before!

Commentator: No Pete, it didn't. If your brother hadn't caught you, you would have gone splat!

* * *

Peter: Hey bro, I wondered if you had some spare time to discuss our abilities-?

Nathan: Go away, I'm busy.

Random Worker One: Hey Nathan! I was wondering if you were free to have a social chat?

Nathan: Sure, I have all the time in the world!

Peter: -Okay, is there a different writer writing for this episode or something? Cos I thought you stopped being an arse last episode?

Nathan: Hey, just because I was glad and hugged you for some reason doesn't mean I've stopped being an arsehole! And yes this episode was written by Jeph Loeb instead of Tim Kring, but I'm sure that has nothing to do with my unexplained reversion!

Peter: Look, Nath, I really think we need to discuss our abilities. Course your home would probably be the place that makes more sense to talk about it rather than at your work place, but then again it's been noted that I don't have a good division between public and private.

Nathan: Abilities? What abilities?

Peter: You know! I can fly and you can fly?

Nathan: -Peter, what are you talking about?

Peter: Nathan, there's no one around, you can talk freely!

Nathan: Pete, are you feeling okay?

Peter: FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN WE FLEW YESTERDAY! I know this episode's written by a different writer but there's no need to completely break continuity!

Commentator: Don't you know? Virtually all continuity errors are caused in a series due to a writer writing something that contradicts something that a previous writer stated!

Nathan: Oh by the way, Pete, I was meaning to tell you this last chapter but the absent-minded author writing all of this forgot to put it in. Don't do a Roger Clinton on me! I'm already seven points behind the polls of my competitor as it is!

Peter: You know maybe if you concerned yourself more with your own personality and less with blaming your low polls on people close to you, you wouldn't be so behind in the polls.

Nathan: What are you talking about? There's nothing wrong with me! I'm perfect!

Random Worker Two: Here's the report you wanted, Mr Petrelli.

Nathan: What the Hell is this? This is crap! (Hits Random Worker Two with the paper) How dare you give me crap like this! I should kill you! I'm serious. I'll use my influence to hire a hit man to assassinate you! Now get out of my face before I decide to fire you!

(Random Worker Two runs away)

Nathan: Now what were we saying?

Peter: That there's nothing wrong with your personality?

Nathan: Yeah, there's nothing to work on.

Peter: Do you only have the two random workers working for you?

Nathan: Pretty much.

* * *

_Meanwhile elsewhere a Hiro from Japan and his sidekick Ando are on their way to America to save the world. And by the world I mean New York because of course America is the centre of the world and with New York being the most populous city that makes it the most centric part of the U.S. and therefore the world as well!_

Ando: Hey! How come we haven't been featured in this parody until now?

Commentator: Anonymius couldn't find anything to make fun about you two until now. It's sort of a rule with him. If he can't find a scene capable of being made fun of, then it's not worth including. You should take it as a compliment! It means that Anonymius doesn't think there's anything wrong with your plot compared with others up until now!

Ando: I guess. Wait, what's in this scene that can be made fun of?

Hiro: You know what I need? A costume. And a secret identity!

* * *

_Do not be afraid any longer people of Tokyo! Nor you, people of New York! Or anywhere in the world for that matter! Because there's a new hero in town! His name is Chronos! Together with his trusty sidekick Average Joe, Chronos seeks to undo injustice everywhere!_

Ando: Average Joe? Oh come on!

_Seemingly normal and geeky Hiro Nakamura works at a lowly job at some company. Then, whenever there is danger, or an evildoer strikes, or when he's just bored, he freezes time to get into his costume, then returns right back to the time he left! If you thought the Prince of Persia could bend time, then you haven't met Chronos! Watch him as he freezes time in order to save people from burning buildings, or disarm a gang of thugs! He can also take a glimpse into the future, to see any danger coming! However he can't undo anything that has happened in the past, because apparently that's a rule in this universe, and despite going into the past a hundred times already Chronos hasn't grasped that rule yet. Join him as he battle a string of evildoers, including his arch nemesis, the evil super villain Clockwork, who has a peculiar zombie-like taste for mutant brains!_

_Clockwork: BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!_

_Watch out evildoers! And people who do morally ambiguous things for whatever reason you've justified! Because Chronos is in town! Coming soon to a television network near you!_

* * *

Ando: Oh. I see what you mean.

* * *

_Meanwhile back in L.A., FBI agent Audrey Hanson believes that she has caught the enigmatic serial killer Sylar. However, cop Matt Parkman claims that he can read minds, and points out that if he really were a serial killing criminal mastermind, he would not so blatantly expose himself by rescuing a girl that only he knew the whereabouts of._

Audrey: Yeah I admit that would be pretty stupid for Sylar to do…unless you WANTED me to believe that it's so stupid that you can't possibly be Sylar!

_Unfortunately for Matt, as he well knows, cops and cop-like people tend to go for the seemingly most likely person, even if any rational person can point out the flaws of their hunch._

Audrey: All right then Parkman, if you really can read minds then tell me this: what number am I thinking of? (Six)

Matt: Six.

Audrey: GASP! YOU CAN READ MINDS!

Matt: Wow. You're actually easy to convince.

Audrey: Yes. I am so convinced that you can read minds that I'm not even going to consider how that has completely torn down my sense of reality, and I will attempt to recruit you immediately.

_Unfortunately for her, Molly, the girl that Matt saved, has been kidnapped by Sylar._

Sylar: Even though I can just take your BRAIIIIIIIIIIIINS right now, I've decided to take the less easy choice and go through all the trouble of kidnapping you.

Audrey: Stop, Sylar!

Sylar: No, (Raises hand) you stop!

(Audrey feels her hand has been paralysed and she cannot move)

Audrey: Huh. Maybe you are a vampire!

Matt's Gun: BANG!

Sylar: GAK!

Matt: You all right?

Audrey: Yeah. Thanks for killing Sy-

Sylar: WHOOSH.

Audrey: -Er? Hmm. A person who likes the dark, can't be killed by bullets and can apparently fly? Yep. Definitely a vampire.

* * *

_Meanwhile back in New York, Peter Petrelli has something to tell Simone Deveaux, the woman of his dreams._

Peter: By the way, Simone, I'm letting you know that I've quit the whole nursing thing.

Simone: What? Why? You seemed so happy there, like you found your purpose in life! I mean you dedicated most of your adult life to become a nurse, what would make you suddenly change your mind?

Peter: I assure you it's because I've realised that I have a higher calling in life. I'm not entirely sure what that calling is exactly, and it probably doesn't pay, so I don't know what to do for money. So maybe quitting the nurse job wasn't such a good idea. But it's definitely not because I've been dissuaded from the whole thing due to this one little speech by my assholish brother who may or may not have a grudge against me.

Simone: May?

Nathan: I'm letting all you good people know that my brother tried to commit suicide recently!

Peter: Change that to a definite.

* * *

Peter: You jerk! How dare you tell everyone that I committed one of the seven deadly sins of Christian fundamentalism!

Commentator: What are the other six?

Peter: Gambling, drinking, abortion, homosexuality, evolutionism and heathenism of course!

Commentator: And Anonymius thinks only one of those is truly wrong! Yes, my creator is pro-life. Deal with it.

Nathan: I'm sorry Pete, but I had to create a cover story so that no one could find out about our abilities.

Peter: HOW WOULD HAVE ANYONE FOUND OUT ABOUT OUR ABILITIES? There were only you and me in that alleyway, no one would have found out about it! Anyway, what was wrong with the whole 'accident' story?

Nathan: I'm a ruthless, Machiavellian politician; it's my nature to take the really immoral choice, even when it's unnecessary!

_What will Peter Petrelli do now that everyone thinks that he committed the sin of suicide even though nowhere in the Bible is there the commandment "Thou shalt not commit suicide?" Can Matt Parkman and Audrey Hanson catch Sylar before he strikes again? And will our Hiro and his sidekick-_

Ando: Stop calling me a sidekick!

_-Be able to save the world, and by the world I mean New York? Join us next time on Heroes abridged (With Commentary)!_

Commentator: Who is saying all of that itallic? Is it you, Anonymius?

**Nope. I talk like this.**

Commentator: But there's no name!

Professor: I just think it's some narrator guy.

Commentator: Even so how am I supposed to know who's saying it? That sort of thing confuses me!

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	3. A Collision of Hiros

**I do not own 'Heroes' or anything related!**

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back, my normal and hero wannabe friends to the third instalment of 'Heroes Abridged (With commentary)'! Before we begin let's take a look at some of the reviews you've sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!

(Professor does so, and three envelopes come out)

Commentator: Right then! Our first review is from-Hey it's from Kurisita1!

Professor: Kurisita1? Do you mean the same Kurisita1 who was fond of our FMA Abridged and who wanted to borrow the talking manga idea in her own parody of 'Fruit Baskets' and that included a character called 'Commenter' and we all thought she adopted it from you and you got excited that you were influencing people then got disappointed when it turned out she already had an idea for it before reading the commentaries?

Commentator: No it's a completely different Kurisita1 who responded to a completely different commentary.

Professor: Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Sir.

Commentator: Yeah well stupid questions are the lowest form of intelligence, Prof! Well anyway, let's see what she has to say:

haha yes! make fun of Jess! Bwahahaha!

Jess? Hey Prof, have we encountered a character named Jess in this series yet?

Professor: Not at all, Sir. Perhaps it is the name of one of the actors?

Commentator: Nah it doesn't ring a bell. Hold on, Jess, Jess, Jess…Je-JESUS? SHE THINKS WE WERE MAKING FUN OF JESUS? We weren't making fun of Jesus! We were making fun of Christian Fundamentalism for getting the wrong end of the stick about Christianity and making a fuss about all these things that aren't sins at all! I mean seriously, from the way a number of fanatics act you'd think that in the Bible that there are strict commandments that say 'thou shalt not gamble' or 'thou shalt not drink alcohol' or 'thou shalt not believe that humans and all animals are related' or 'thou shalt not not believe in Christ' or 'thou shalt not have sex with someone of the same sex'-

Professor: Um, Sir? I'm afraid there is such a commandment like that. The Pentateuch clearly forbids a man to lie with another man.

Commentator: Yeah well, okay, but there's nothing in there about a woman having sex with another woman, is there?

Professor: -I suppose.

Commentator: Besides the Pentateuch was written during a time when it was believed that all human beings were freely and potentially attracted to both the opposite as well as the same sex, and the writers probably felt that there was a danger that all the men would only sleep with men and then no babies would be produced and it would be the end of society. We of course now know that this is not the case and that the great majority of people are attracted to the opposite sex with a minority to the same sex so there's not this danger of human extinction.

Professor: Try winning everyone with that argument, Sir. Okay, homosexuality aside, the bible does clearly state that those who believe-

Clock: TING!

Commentator: What the-? We're out of time already?

Professor: These long paragraphs tend to take up a bit of the word count.

Commentator: It looks like we may have to continue this religious discussion later.

Professor: No we don't. Don't try to put off our readers with five hundred words of you trying to convert them to your liberal views.

Commentator: Well excuse me for trying to convince people that these creationist, anti-gay rights, pro-probation, anti-gambling, anti-non Christian fanatics who treat suicides like murderers or rapists do not hold the keys to Heaven like everyone think they do! Ahem, without further ado, here's 'A Collision of Hiros'!

* * *

_Last time on 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)', Claire Bennett got to meet her (Apparent) biological parents._

HRG: So, how were the bios?

Claire: High school sweethearts? They were like a cliché! If I didn't know any better, I think it was all a set up by an ambiguously evil organisation who didn't want me to find out about my real parents! Then I'd think that an ambiguously evil organisation would have used a much better story than these two!

HRG: …Erm, yes, of course. There's no way it's a set up because of that!

* * *

_Meanwhile in New York, Nathan has accused Peter of setting Dr Suresh, a geneticist that Peter had mentioned before who knew about abilities, on him._

Nathan: Now on a completely different topic, here's some money. I don't want you to show your face in public after publicly humiliating me when no one was around-OW! MY NOSE! YOU BROKE MY NOSE! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS? WHY?

Peter: Why? WHY? First, you try to have nothing to do with me. Then, you insult my career choice. Then you make me think I'm crazy, then you tell the whole world that I tried to commit suicide, and to top it all off you try to bribe me to not show my face?

Nathan: What's your point?

Peter: I'm surprised the real Peter Petrelli didn't punch you again! Just to let you know, you've lost my vote.

Nathan: Yeah, like one vote will make a diff-

Door: SLAM!

Nathan: OW, MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!

* * *

_Meanwhile Isaac Mendez, a man who can paint the future, confronts his ex-girlfriend for kissing another man after they had broken up. Yes. They weren't even on a break._

Isaac: Look at this!

Simone: Gasp! You followed me?

Isaac: -Yes Simone. I was standing there in the rain drawing you two kiss in under a second just so I could show it to you afterwards when I could have used a camera. And you think I'm crazy!

* * *

_Meanwhile Monhinder has decided to return to Madras since he's getting nowhere with the mutant hunting thing._

Mohinder: I've decided to return to Madras since I'm getting nowhere with the mutant hunting thing.

Eden: But Mohinder! What about the serial killer who's hunting mutants and killed your father?

Mohinder: Let them die, I say!

Door: KNOCK KNOCK

Mohinder: Now who could that be?

Eden: Maybe it's a mutant who's arrived just at the minute you've decided to give up, who will introduce you to a world of mutants and a great destiny?

Mohinder: Please! Fate isn't that generous!

Eden: Just promise me that you won't get all suddenly sceptical for no reason by the next part, okay?

Mohinder: Who do you think I am, Dana Scully?

Door: OPEN

Peter: Hi there, I'm-

Mohinder: Oh God it's you again! Come to offend me more, have you?

Peter: -Have we met?

Mohinder: You don't remember me?

Peter: I think I would at least recognise your voice.

Mohinder: Oh crap. This means that I have to explain everything again, isn't it? Just to let you know before you start greeting me in Arabic, I'm not from the Middle East, I'm from India. Completely different part of the world, I assure you. And only about one out of ten of us are Muslim!

Peter: OH CRAP! THE CRABBY CABDRIVER FROM BEFORE WHO GOT CRABBY BECAUSE I MISTOOK HIS ETHNICITY AND ASSUMED ENGLISH WASN'T HIS NATIVE LANGUAGE! (Backing away) Look, I'm sorry about before, man! I'm American, I just assume everyone with brown skin's from the Middle East and I'm highly ignorant of world geography-

Mohinder: Calm down, I'm not going to bite your head off. I'm sorry about before. I just got really frustrated when people mistook my ethnicity and displayed ignorance about my country, that's all. It's like if you were in a different country and people kept mistaking you for being European and speaking to you in different European languages apart from English, and when you finally reveal that you're from America, they think you speak American and English is just a language you learnt as an adult.

Peter: Er, yeah, sure.

Mohinder: Well anyway, what are you doing here?

Peter: Oh I'm here to see Chandra Suresh. I heard he was in town, so-

Mohinder: Wait. How did you even find out where I lived?

Peter: -I-don't-know.

_And so, Mohinder meets his first mutant- but doesn't believe Peter and has gotten all suddenly sceptical for no reason like Dana Scully. So Peter tries to convince him by taking him to precognitive, Isaac, who's ability Mohinder also expresses scepticism._

Mohinder: I don't believe this man can paint the future.

Peter: Okay, excuse me for breaking the fourth wall but what's the matter with you?

Mohinder: -Huh?

Peter: Why are you suddenly sceptical about the whole mutant thing? I mean breaking continuity with a previous episode is one thing, but in the middle of an episode? That's just bad writing!

Mohinder: I never really believed in the mutant thing. I was only trying to follow in my father's footsteps.

Peter: What are you talking about? You did believe it, anyone listening to your lecture in the first episode would see that you believed in it with the passion you had! Mohinder? Hello? (Waves hand in front of face. Realises that the whole train has frozen)

Future Hiro: Hello Peter. My name is Hiro Nakamura. I am from the future, and I have a message…

* * *

Peter: Mohinder! A man from the future was just here and told me that I need to save a cheerleader in order to save the world!

Mohinder: Save the cheerleader to save the world? Peter, do you realise how insane that sounds? Like pushing a button on a remote island keeps the world safe! Unless the cheerleader is Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Peter: I first thought that but he was very adamant that this was a completely different teen blond cheerleader with regenerative abilities and has the power to come back from the dead.

Mohinder: Well then even though you clearly moved from one part of the carriage to another in the blink of an eye which supports your belief that time had been stopped, I'm going to just assume that you're crazy and attempt to leave the series.

* * *

_Meanwhile while in Vegas, HRG and his sidekick the Haitian attempted to kidnap Nathan while asleep, but he managed to escape and stopped by at a diner._

Nathan: Yes. I'm semi-naked. Can I have some clothes, please?

Commentator: Let me get this straight. You make a big deal about your mother's shoplifting and your brother being bad for your polls, yet your unabashed to be semi-naked in a public place with no explanation? ??????????? is all I have to say!

Nathan: This isn't the district I'm trying to get elected to. I can act however I like without being ashamed here.

Commentator: -That's true, I guess.

* * *

Peter: Isaac! I believe in your ability to paint the future!

Isaac: Ability? What ability? I can't paint the future, no one can.

Peter: Have I picked up this ability that makes everyone I talked to unbelievably sceptical or something?

Scully Syndrome Inducing Mutant: Oh actually that's my ability. Sorry. My bad!

_Can Peter and Isaac save the cheerleader and save the world? Will Mohinder ever return to the series? And will the Scully Syndrome Inducing Mutant strike again? Join us next time for 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'!_


	4. Better to Hide

**I do not own 'Heroes' or anything related.**

Commentator: Welcome back my normal and hero wannabe friends to the fourth instalment in 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)!' Before we begin let's look through some of the reviews you've sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!

(The Professor does so, and out comes three envelopes)

Commentator: Right then! Our first review is from Kurisita1:

Yep, I make the obscure references just so you can make obscure religious jokes.

P.S.-Jess is a role Milo played before Peter. This is why I can't watch Heroes. _ I just think of Jess.

Commentator: Oh. That's what she meant. (Goes red) Um, whoops.

Professor: It was an honest mistake, Sir. Anyone not familiar with Gilmore Girls would think that 'Jess' refers to 'Jesus' given the similarities and how we referenced religion and how some people believe that fundamentalists are the true Christians. There's no need to feel embarrassed.

Commentator: Embarrassed? Who said I'm embarrassed? I'm not embarrassed! The only one here who should feel embarrassed is Anonymius for completely misunderstanding what Kurisita1 said, then using me as a mouth piece to ramble on about his anti-fundamentalist, liberal views for five hundred words!

Professor: Well at least he's got his views out and has spoken out against fundamentalism and tried to convince people that they don't hold the keys to Heaven.

Commentator: I guess. Anyhoo, on to the next review:

X-files and Lost references! Awesome! Love culturally/geographically clueless Peter; he's hilarious.

Commentator: 'X-Files' references?

Professor: You know. All those comparisons of characters with Dana Scully and the inclusion of the Scully-Syndrome-Inducing Hero.

Commentator: AHEM.

Professor: (Sigh), the Scully-Syndrome-Inducing MUTANT.

Commentator: Oh right, those! And the Lost references?

Professor: The button on the island saving the world?

Commentator: Oh yes now I remember! Yes they were pretty funny, especially the Scully jokes. Okay then and our final review is from- Hey it's from another veteran reviewer from one of our other projects, Haruko Kurismasu!

Professor: Haruko Kurimasu, a fan of the Naruto Commentary?

Commentator: The very same! Let's see what Kurimasu has to say about this one:

I don't think I've commented on your Heroes Abridged yet, but I'm loving it! Actually, I'm currently watching Heroes Season 1 for the first time, and following your abridged series-

Clock: TING!

Commentator: What the-? We're out of time already? Fine then, I'll just conclude by answering your questions, Kurimasu. Niki and Micah shall appear in this one, Bennet's name is Noah, and yes we were referring to Buffy and Claire. Now without further ado, here's 'Better to Hide'!

* * *

_Meanwhile in New York, Mohinder departs for Madras._

Mohinder: You know; it's not called 'Madras' anymore. It hasn't been for ten years.

Writer: Ha, yeah right! I think we know what we're talking about. Next you're going to tell us that Minsk isn't in Russia or 'England' doesn't refer to the whole island!

_Meanwhile in Las Vegas, Niki Sanders, a mutant with multiple personality disorder, confronts her alter ego._

Niki: What do you want?

Jessica: To do what you won't. To say what you can't.

Niki: Gasp! D.L.'s crew! You killed them!

Jessica: WE killed them!

_And so Niki attempts to dispose of the money that Jessica stole, only to be caught by D.L. Ironically if she had just left the money alone D.L. would have never caught her and accuse her of framing him despite her talking about her blackouts earlier._

D.L.: Niki…

Niki: D.L., it's not how it looks!

D.L.: You killed my crew!

Niki: I didn't, Jessica did!

D.L.: You framed me.

Niki: Remember when I was telling you earlier about the blackouts and everyone ending up dead?

D.L.: Nope. And stop blaming it all on your imaginary friend! I'm taking Micah away instead of turning you in!

Jessica: HAHAHAHA! The HUSBAND leaving with the child? That's hilarious.

WHACK

Commentator: Finally! A super powered battle! What? For a show based on people with super powers, there's been surprisingly few fight scenes!

_And so D.L. defeats Jessica with his phase shifting powers, and drives away with their son Micah._

Micah: Dad, why have we left the house and Mom?

D.L.: No time to explain!

Micah: You know, if you just tell me, then I can confirm Mom's multiple personality disorder that will make you realise she's not to blame and stop this unnecessary running away-

D.L.: NO TIME!

_Meanwhile in New York, Peter sees Simone about a painting Isaac painted that he believes is the key to saving the enigmatic cheerleader._

Simone: If you tell me that you need the painting to save the world, then I'll believe you.

Peter: I need it to save the world.

Simone: I believe you.

Peter: Finally! Someone who doesn't get all sceptical talking to me!

Commentator: Let me get this straight, you don't believe your ex-boyfriend that he can paint the future, but you believe this guy that the painting beholds the future? Huh???????

Simone: Well my ex-boyfriend is a junkie. Also my father told me that Peter will save the world.

Commentator: So what, you don't believe that people can paint the future, but you do believe in dying messages of the future?

_Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Matt Parkman works with Special Agent Hanson to capture Sylar._

Audrey: I have a lead! There was this doctor who was apparently killed by his patient's husband, Ted Sprague, like he was caught in a nuclear explosion yet the house's fine. There's not doubt that this guy's Sylar!

Matt: No doubt? Audrey, the killing doesn't match Sylar's style at all!

Audrey: Matt, if you haven't realised it yet, I suspect people on the flimsiest of evidence and suspicions, like all good cops and cop-like people do. You should know that!

Matt: But wouldn't the FBI be more efficient if they put more brain in their operation?

_Meanwhile in New York, Peter goes to see Nathan if he can get back the painting Simone sold to Linderman, only to find that he had been excluded from a (supposedly) traditional family brunch._

Nathan: Sorry Pete, but I felt you would be bad for my image even though as far as the public knows you've done nothing wrong.

Peter: How do you think you cutting me out of your life will look like to the public? And to this journalist for dismissing me?

Nathan: -That I'm-errrrr-such a nice guy?

Peter: HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! On a different topic, how about asking Linderman to get this painting for me?

Nathan: Sorry Pete. Can't help you. Too busy impressing this journalist with a fake family brunch.

Peter: Okay then. If you don't help me out, then I'll reveal to him that I can fly.

Nathan: -You wouldn't dare?

Peter: Try me, big boy.

* * *

Dennison: So Mr Petrelli, what do you say about comments about you that you are 'a machiavellian asshole who would so easily sacrifice any member of his family for a 0% increase in the polls, and that you shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a position of power any more than Hitler should have been elected Chancellor in 1933'?

Nathan: I say that what this country needs is more machiavellian assholes who bring more harm to it than good.

Dennison: Riiiiiiiiiight. I'm sure our readers would love to read that.

Peter: Do you know what's great about my brother? He's such a caring brother, who always makes time for his family. He's such a forgiving, understanding man when any of us do wrong, who would never make us doubt our sanity or lie about us to the public or try to cut us out of his public life and he's always willing to help us out when we have a problem!

Dennison: (Writing) Uncaring…never makes time….unforgiving or non-understanding…malicious…liar…ruthless…never willing to help anyone out-

Nathan: That's not what he said at all!

Dennison: Sorry, I was only going by his implications, that's all.

Nathan: Look, I'm perfect for Congress-

Dennison: Really? You think an adulterer is suitable to be a congressman?

Nathan: A what now?

Dennison: It's just that you were seen with a blond woman in Vegas. And I'm wondering how could you possibly remain faithful to your district if you can't even remain faithful to your wife?

Peter: Oh I'll answer that, Mr Dennison. He wasn't having an affair. The blond woman was a doctor he was seeing to get me help. For trying to commit suicide and all.

Commentator: Okay hold it, time out, stop everything. This has been bugging me since the second episode.

Professor: What is?

Commentator: Is it my imagination or does this series portray suicide like some kind of mental illness?

Professor: Well obviously the writers feel that those who take their own lives are not right in the head.

Commentator: People don't commit suicide because they're mentally ill! They commit it because they're utterly depressed and can't see a way out of their depression! Well most of the time, anyway.

Professor: I believe that many people see suicide as an act that goes against human nature, you know, like murder.

Commentator: Oh for goodness sake I get so fed up of people who treat suicide like it was murder or rape!

Professor: Well, you know, it's similar to murder.

Commentator: No it isn't! Murder is inflicting it upon others. Suicide is inflicting it upon yourself! Big difference!

Professor: Well I guess the main reason why people see it as an atrocious sin is because it says so in the Bible.

Commentator: (Crosses arms) Whereabouts in the Bible?

Professor: Well, er, doesn't St Paul forbid people from killing themselves?

Commentator: Any parent will tell you not to commit suicide; it doesn't mean that they'll treat them like a murderer or rapist! And besides, a few people in the Bible commit suicide, yet they weren't treated like they committed an atrocious sin! Even Judas Iscariot's suicide was portrayed as an attempt of redemption! I'm not saying that suicide should be committed; I'm saying that the attitude towards those who do it is wrong! People who commit or try to commit suicide should be felt sorry for and be sympathised- not condemned like they just committed an atrocious sin like murder or rape! I mean honestly, what right does anyone who never experienced the state of mind that the suicide experienced have to pass judgement on them?

Professor: Sir, you just questioned the foundation of the justice system in many countries.

Commentator: What about 'being judged by your peers'?

Professor: Sir, we both know well that never happens.

Commentator: You know I'd like to say something to those who say that suicide is forbidden in the Bible. Here's another passage from the Bible: "Don't judge others, or God will judge you"!

* * *

Peter: So, want to tell me about this blond you met?

Nathan: Not really, but I'll confide in you anyway. I just wanted a break from a woman who has done nothing to me and even though a cripple is still good in bed.

Peter: Okay seriously, belittling Mum for shoplifting is one thing, bullying me is another, but cheating on your wife for no good reason? Dude, what's the matter with you?

Nathan: I don't know! I'm just how the writers write me! Also after my one nightstand, two guys tried to kidnap me.

Peter: A mysterious organisation tried to kidnap you. Right.

Nathan: Why are you being so suddenly sceptical?

Peter: Everyone I've been talking to has been doing it to me. I thought I should start doing it back.

Nathan: Look, despite all my misgivings, I believe that real good can be done with power. I mean surely logically the more power you have, the more good you can do?

Commentator: Even though your reasoning is perfectly plausible, because the moral of this series is that those who try to gain power in order to save the world only end up making it worse, your aspirations are going to lead to naught.

Peter: Yeah and besides Nathan, of all the political positions available you think the most good can be achieved by being a congressman? Dude, all they do is make and amend laws, and you'll be like one voice among thousands.

Nathan: Yeah well it's better than pulling on tights and using my ability to help the world, where all it's useful is saving cats.

Peter: Not to mention save people falling off of buildings, saving people from burning buildings, stopping muggers by lifting them into the sky then dropping them to the right authority-

Nathan: You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?

(A dazzling image of Nathan in a mask and wearing white and red spandex with wings attached to his arms appears)

_Flying man. Flying Man. Does whatever a pigeon can. He can soar, from a roof. No time to talk, cos he's aloof. Look up! There flies the flying man!_

Nathan: I hate you.

_Can Peter save the cheerleader and save the world? Can Matt and Audrey catch Sylar before it's too late? Will Nathan realise that using politics to help the world does not work in this show? Tune in next time on 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'!_

_Flying man. Flying Man,_

_Does whatever a pigeon can,_

_He can soar, from a roof,_

_No time to talk, cos he's aloof,_

_Look up! There goes the flying man!_

_Is he fast? Listen, bud,_

_He's got illogical mutant blood!_

_Does he zoom, through the air?_

_Take a look, over there,_

_Hey yeah!_

_There goes the flying man!_

_In the heat of day,_

_At the scene of distress,_

_He will come and say,_

_He will clean up the mess,_

_Flying Man. Flying Man,_

_Machiavellian Flying Man,_

_Wealth and Fame, he's ignored,_

_Action is his reward,_

_HAHA!_

_Wherever there's a hold up,_

_Whenever there's a cat stuck,_

_You'll see the Flying Man!_

* * *


	5. Seven Minutes To Homecoming

**I do not own Heroes or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Hey Prof! Do you remember the time when I presented a revised version of how the Heroes should have been distributed?

Professor: Vaguely. And what's with using the term 'Heroes'? I thought you hated it?

Commentator: I'm using it in its proper context to refer only to the main characters who ARE Heroes, rather than every single mutant in this show.

Professor: But is mutant itself an appropriate term?

Commentator: What do you mean?

Professor: Well mutant implies that the person has a gene not found in the rest of his family, hence a mutation, i.e. a mutant. But from what we've seen most of the characters inherited their abilities from their parents, so they're not really mutants, are they? Wouldn't 'metahuman' be a more accurate term?

Commentator: (Considers this) I suppose it would! But we're drifting topic here!

Professor: (Mutters) (Curses!)

Commentator: I have revised my previous revision. (Pulls down map) Behold! (Takes out a pointer) THIS is how the heroes should have been located! See, I have two in America, JUST TWO. Elsewhere I have people in Iran, China, Tibet, Japan, Greece, France, Ireland , Russia, Guatemala, Peru, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and finally Indonesia!

Professor: Interesting, Sir. But why have you got two Americans?

Commentator: Ah, one of them is here.

Professor: An Indian reservation?

Commentator: Yep!

Professor: (Examines map) I see…you have placed each of your heroes in-(Notices watch) Whoops, we're running short on time, if you want to answer respond to any of our reviews now would be the best time.

Commentator: Oh right, of course! Professor! Open the shoot!

(Professor does so, and out pops an envelope)

Commentator: Right then! Our first and only review is from jcogginsa:

some people blame those who commit suicide because it hurts those who care about the person

Commentator: Okay that is a valid reason for why suicide should not be committed. However the only people who have the right to be angry are those effected by the suicide. And if they don't condemn them like some sort of criminal, then why should anyone else? Also the only people who have the right to pass judgement on someone is those who have been in the exact same position as the suicide. So if they've felt the exact same pressures yet did not commit suicide, then they can judge how much they like. However if they're someone who has never experienced what the suicide went through that drove them to suicide, then what right do they have to pass judgement? After all, it might be that they'll be in the exact same position and would have attempted to do exactly what the suicide did or tried to do, and then he or she will be thinking 'oh who I was to be all judgemental when I'm doing the exact same thing?'

Professor: Interestingly enough, that line of thinking applies to any scenario, where the person has no right to judge-

Clock: TICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICK-

Commentator: Oops, we're running out of time! So thank you for your review and for your patience, here's "Seven Minutes to Midnight"!

* * *

_Last time on 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)', Isaac had been kidnapped by the mysterious HRG, and his sidekick Imperia._

Commentator: Wait hold on, I thought his sidekick was the Haitian?

_He has several sidekicks. He has a third one I like to call 'Ellectra', who will appear in Season 2._

Commentator: But who's this Imperia you refer to?

_Well I didn't think Eden sounded too cool a name for a villainous sidekick, so I've rechristened her 'Imperia'. You know? 'Imperare' means 'to command', and she's a woman, so she's 'Imperia'?_

HRG: Hi there, Isaac. I'm a believer in your ability to paint the future.

Isaac: Ability? What ability? I can't paint the future, no one can.

HRG: (Slaps Isaac with a pistol) Snap out of it!

Isaac: Whoa! Sorry man! I was still feeling the effect of something that made me all sceptical despite everything I've experienced!

_Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Matt and Audrey prepare to interrogate the mysterious Ted Sprague._

Audrey: We need to hurry! They're charging Ted for being a terrorist!

Matt: What? Despite the fact that he was seen burning a woman by touch, they atill think he killed those people deliberately?

Audrey: Yep.

Matt: -So let me get this straight. They authorise these cards that tell how radioactive he's getting, yet they think that he's not radioactive?

Audrey: I'm afraid my bosses all suffer from Sunnydale Syndrome.

Matt: -Don't you mean Scully Syndrome?

Audrey: No. Scully Syndrome's when it's just one person. Sunnydale Syndrome is when more than one person is in unbelievable denial.

_Meanwhile in Texas, our Hiro and his sidekick Ando have stopped at a diner on their epic journey to New York._

Ando: So Hiro, explain to me again why you didn't go back in time to stop all those people from dying?

Hiro: Because, my dear Ando, it would have been a violation of the Prime Directive, which dictates that preserving things with no consciousness are far more important than saving things that do.

Charlie: Hee hee. You're so cute when you talk about Star Trek.

Hiro: SHE SAYS I'M CUTE! I'M GONNA MARRY THAT GIRL!

* * *

Charlie: Oh, hello there! I'm afraid people aren't allowed in the back!

Sylar: Oh I'm sorry. I was just looking here for a fresh tin of BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!

* * *

Hiro: Oh no! The girl I was beginning to have a beautiful relationship with is dead! I must go back in time and save her!

Ando: Wait a minute! What happened to the Prime Directive?

Hiro: Like many humans I can gladly preach about morals yet gladly throw them away when my personal desires get in the way.

VAMOOSH

_Meanwhile in India, Mohinder is visited by the ghost of Christmas Past to mend his ways by showing him a scene talking with his father._

Mohinder: Father! I've been reading about your theories and I think they're brilliant!

Mohinder: Oh that's right! I did sincerely believe about the mutants! I completely forgot all about that!

* * *

Mrs Suresh: So, you're going to America? Again?

Mohinder: I have to. It turns out that I wasn't as sceptical about mutants as I thought I was. Hey hang on. Shouldn't we be speaking Tamil here?

Mrs Suresh: What makes you say that?

Mohinder: Tamil is the primary language in Chennai.

Mrs Suresh: Who cares about Chennai? We live in Madras. Anyway, sorry for breaking the fourth wall here, but I thought you told that ignorant American that English is your native language along with Hindi?

Mohinder: Well Anonymius did some research after that. It turns out that even though English is widely spoken, it's primarily used in education, business and other white-collar professions. Since this is out of work, shouldn't Tamil be more appropriate to use in our conversation?

Mrs Suresh: I guess this way there are fewer subtitles to use.

_Meanwhile in New York, the painting that Nathan asked Linderman for has arrived, and he and Simone open the crate to view it._

Nathan: Huh. Fancy that.

Simone: Shouldn't you be a bit more upset, given what it portrays?

Nathan: You'd think so, wouldn't you? Hey, is Isaac using that bucket of paint?

Simone: I guess so, why?

Nathan: (Picks it up) Oh, no reason.

Painting: SPLASH

Simone: What the-? You really are an asshole!

Nathan: What assholeness? I'm trying to save my brother's life here! Oh what, you believe the painting portrays the future?

Simone: If you didn't, why did you bother destroying it?

Nathan: …I-don't-know…

_Meanwhile in Texas, Claire wins the election for Homecoming Queen, thanks to her best friend Zach._

Claire: You did it all…for me?

(Romantic music plays in the background)

Commentator: Yes! YES! This is the moment! Get together already! It is inevitable, Miss Bennet!

Jackie: I see you're talking to the gay boy, there.

Commentator: -What did you just call him?

Claire: Say wha?

Jackie: You know? Zach's gay.

Claire: YOU'RE GAY?

Zach: I'M GAY?

Claire: You didn't know?

Zach: No, I had no idea! This wasn't in my contract! I think at least. (To Jackie) Are you sure?

Jackie: Yep. Positive. I have what is known as 'gaydar'.

Commentator: -Could he be perhaps Bi? You know, likes the guys, but also likes the ladies?

Jackie: Nope. Solely guys.

Commentator: Or maybe he just identifies himself as gay despite clear evidence of heterosexual activity in the past, like Willow from 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' or Andrew from 'Desperate Housewives'?

Professor: When did Andrew kiss a girl?

Commentator: He clearly said in metaphorical fashion in Season 1 that he likes girls as well as guys.

Sammy: But in later episodes, he just says he's gay!

Commentator: I think the writers glossed over that fact to make a "Political Statement". So, is he one of these people?

Jackie: Nope. Just gay.

Zach/Claire shippers: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Commentator: Ah, damnit! If there's one thing other than death that can permanently end a relationship or a possible relationship, it's if one of the characters turns out to be gay! And you can't complain about it without risking to sound homophobic!

_Meanwhile in the school corridor that night, Claire bumps into Peter, who was able to track down the whereabouts of the enigmatic cheerleader because Simone anticipated any arseholeness on Nathan's behalf and showed Peter a photo of the painting before it was ruined, revealing the location of the cheerleader._

Claire: You know, I should be more concerned that there's a stranger in his twenties who should have no business here looking at pictures of underaged girls, but for some reason I feel this bond between us that makes me trust and like you.

Peter: I feel the same way.

Sammy: Awwww. They're in luv.

Professor: SHUDDER.

Commentator: What's wrong?

Professor: For some reason what Sammy just said felt VERY, VERY WRONG…

* * *

Claire: That was mean what you did to Zach earlier today, Jackie!

Jackie: I'm sorry. I thought he knew. Besides I'm a hero, I can do whatever I want.

Claire: You didn't save that man, I did!

Jackie: What?

(Lights suddenly go out)

Jackie: Hey, what's going on?

Sylar: (Knocks Claire aside and grabs Jackie) BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!

(Claire injures her head on the locker door, and then instantly heals from it)

Sylar: Brains?

Jackie: Claire…let me redeem myself for all my bitchiness by telling you to run…

Claire: Okay!

Sylar: BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!

_Meanwhile in the corridor, Claire runs away from Sylar, and bumps into Peter._

Claire: We've got to get out of here! There's some kind of telekinetic zombie after me!

Peter: Don't worry, Claire, you go on! I'll stop him with a confident, heroic pose!

Sylar: Fool! No confident, heroic pose is powerful enough to match flying locker doors that don't actually hit you!

Peter: AHHHHHH! FLYING LOCKER DOORS! MY GREATEST FEAR! (Runs away)

* * *

Sylar: Curses! In order to get the cheerleader's BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS, I have to defeat you first!

Peter: You know, although my intention is to save Claire, she is right over there, you can still chase after her and forget all about me.

Sylar: Nope. I have to kill you first.

Peter: But she's right over there, you're not making any sense-

Sylar: Nope-I need to grab you and cause us to fall over the edge, causing me extensive damage so I'll have to run away.

Peter: You know, for a serial killing criminal mastermind, you're not very BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

Sylar: BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!

_What will become of Peter and Sylar after their fall? Can our Hiro save the waitress even though no character from the present can change the past? And how will Zach cope with the revelation that he is gay? Join us next time on 'Heroes abridged (With Commentary)'!_


	6. Fallout and Godsend Six Months Ago

**I do not own Heroes or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back, my normal and hero wannabe friends to the latest instalment of 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'! Before we begin let's take a look at some of the reviews you sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!

(The Professor does so, and out pops five envelopes)

Commentator: Right then! Our first review is from Haruko Kurimasu:

Excellent chapter, Anoymius! BTW, when will you update? It's been almost a month!  
Anyway, in Season 2, when did Elle ever become HRG's sidekick? I thought they were on different sides because HRG had left The Company... And what Sammy said about Peter and Claire being in love, I thought the same thing... until I found out that Peter was her BIOLOGICAL UNCLE! Will Anoymius parody Chapter Eighteen "Parasite"? I can see a way to make fun of the last two minutes...

Peter: Hello? Mohinder? I heard you weren't a skeptic anymore! And why is it so dark? And why is there blood dripping from the ceiling?  
Mohinder: Because I'm ON the ceiling, you idiot! Plus, SYLAR'S BEHIND YOU!  
Peter: WHAT?!  
Sylar: I remember you, and your multi-talented BRAINS!  
Peter: ...Meep.  
Sylar: Now I will telekinetically pin you to the wall, and milk the drama to get your BRAINS, despite the fact that I was much swifter in killing that cheerleader extra!  
Peter: But how will I save the world?!  
Sylar: Hey, I'm the villain, why should I care?!

Hey Prof! It wasn't a month when this review was sent to us, was it?

Professor: Well Sir, when this review was sent to us, it was three weeks since we posted the last chapter. So it wasn't completely a month. Although Anonymius usually posts chapters at least in a fortnight.

Commentator: Well Haruko, Anonymius tried to respond to this review personally, but sadly it was disabled. The reason why it's taken us so long to update is because Anonymius has been busy putting up a 'Doctor Who Abridged' parody. And trust me, it takes a long time rewriting dialogue in uppercase, putting hyphens after each syllable and translating it into bad mid- ah, I've said too much. Well anyway, it ties in with this chapter, so I suggest checking it out before you read this, especially at the end. About Elle being Noah's sidekick, this was seen in the season three episode 'Villains' where she is working with Noah and being told to make Sylar evil. And don't worry, we're including 'Parasite' in our abridgement, although not including the particular scene from that episode that you yourself has parodied, which was quite amusing. Anonymius particularly liked the part where Peter goes 'Meep'.

Sylar: Yes, yes, but his Sylar's saying it all wrong! It isn't 'BRAINS', it's 'BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!' Emphasis on the 'ai'!

Commentator: Sylar? How did you get here?

Sylar: …I'm not quite sure….

Commentator: Well anyway, our second chapter's from 'Wisdom of Insanity':

Oh. My. God.  
The Commentator's rant at the beginning of this fic was just SPOT ON! I'm so fed up with-

Clock: TING!

Commentator: Oops, we've ran out of time! So here's the next chapter 'Fallout and Godsend Six Months Ago'!

Sammy: Hey Boss! We missed out on a good Star Trek reference!

Commentator: -How do you mean?

Sammy: Sylar could have beamed here!

Commentator: - Yeah, let's try to distance young Spock from Sylar, shall we, and not enforce any typecasting on poor old Zachary Quinto?

* * *

Mohinder: Hello everyone! It's me Dr Mohinder Suresh, the narrator for Heroes!

_No, that's me._

Mohinder: The canon narrator for Heroes.

Commentator: You've been narrating Heroes? Since when?

Mohinder: Um, since the beginning. I've been narrating at the beginning and at the end of every episode.

Commentator: Oh. Was that what that irritating buzzing sound was at the beginning and end of every episode?

Mohinder: -Well anyway, in this episode Hiro has gone back in time to save the waitress he just met. Incidentally, this is also around the same time that our heroes first discovered their abilities!

Commentator: I thought that was the first episode?

Mohinder: Oh no, that was when they were being accustomed to their abilities. This episode will show their experiences when they first acquired their abilities.

Commentator: Um, wouldn't that have been more appropriate for the first episode instead of ten episodes later-?

* * *

_Meanwhile in New York, mild mannered watchmaker Gabriel Gray (Who is not indicated in any way to be the supervillain Sylar) has an unexpected guest._

Chandra Suresh: Greetings, Mr Gray. I am a geneticist searching for people with super powers.

Gray: And what, you came all the way to America instead of searching for them in your own home country of Saudi Arabia?

Chandra Suresh: -I'm from India.

Gray: -Oh. Right. Well whatever, what's wrong with looking in your own country to start off with then start exploring from that part of the world?

Chandra Suresh: Because for some reason the majority of mutants are concentrated in the U.S.

_Meanwhile in New York, Peter Petrelli is celebrating his completion of nursing school._

Nathan: Congratulations, Pete! You finally achieved your dream job!

Peter: Yeah! It took five years to do it, so I'd better make the most of it instead of completely giving up on it in six months time.

Nathan: And despite how much it pays I'll support you all the way. By the way, who are all these people?

Peter: I dunno, some random extras who were standing around looking bored and needed somewhere to stand and talk.

* * *

Nathan: I love you, Pete.

Peter: I love you too, Bro.

Sammy: Awww. Look at that. Without the pressure of becoming congressman, Nathan and Peter are actually quite close.

Commentator: Yeah.

(Nathan and Peter huddle up together on the couch)

Professor: Really close.

(Nathan kisses Peter on the head. The Commentator and the Professor stare.)

Commentator: (Puts his hands to his mouth) GET A ROOM, YOU TWO!

(Nathan and Peter are startled)

Nathan: We're in a room!

Commentator: Well then get some likeability!

_Meanwhile in New York, Chandra Suresh has changed his mind about Gray, leaving him outraged. Gray then calls one of the people on Suresh's list, Brian Davis, for some reason. Davis demonstrates his ability, and expresses desire to be rid of it despite having the power to move anything with his mind. For some reason Gray goes insane._

Gray: Okay, Mr Davis. I'll help. I just need to take a look at your brains.

Brian: Oh okay. Wait, what?

Gray: BRAIIIIIINS!

_Meanwhile in New York, Nathan and his wife Heidi had been attacked by a mysterious assailant. Peter comes to his aid, and reveals that he had a dream seeing Nathan getting rammed. Some time later, Nathan is informed that his wife has been crippled._

Peter: (Man. Look at how Nathan is looking at me. It's almost like he blames me for Heidi's condition. Ah, I'm sure it's nothing!)

Commentator: (Clicks fingers) Of course!

Sammy: What?

Commentator: Nathan hasn't been a complete arse to his brother because of the pressures of running for Congress! He's been an arse because he thinks he had something to do with the attack!

Professor: Are you sure?

Commentator: Well look at him! Look at that look of hate he's giving Peter! It's more akin to how he acts towards Peter as opposed to the loving expression he used to have! It changed the instant Peter revealed he knew about the car! Nathan must think that he had something to do with it! It all makes sense now!

Professor: I don't know, Sir. Your evidence is so ambiguous that it'll likely be ignored by future episodes.

* * *

Mohinder: And there you have it, folks. The moment when everyone first discovered their powers. Apart from Hiro, that is.

Commentator: You know, that episode was kinda disappointing. I mean most of them didn't use their abilities that much, and a few of them weren't even aware of them!

Mohinder: I'm afraid their discovery is more of a journey throughout the six months.

Commentator: So we're never going to know how Claire first reacted when she discovered her ability, then?

Mohinder: Nope. Well maybe in another flashback episode. They're an annual occurrence.

_Meanwhile at the local police station, Audrey and Matt interrogate Peter._

Audrey: So, what is a hospice nurse from New York doing in Texas?

Peter: You know I'm not really a nurse anymore. I quit that job eight episodes ago. Also my lawyer, who's also my brother, told me not to say anything, even though nothing I could say will incriminate me. Possibly make me out to be insane, but hardly incriminating!

_Afterwards, Matt and Audrey discuss his marital problems._

Audrey: I'm just saying that you should grow up and try to fix your marriage.

Matt: Oh really? How would you react if you found out that your other half had been cheating on you?

Audrey: I would be tempted to castrate him with a rusty carving knife before severing him limb by limb and curse him to rot in Hell. But then again I'm a woman, and in the world of television women get far more emotional when they've been cheated on, whereas men are far more possessive.

Matt: You don't need to put it like that. I mean at least if the wife cheats on the husband, they have a chance to patch things up and move past it instead of getting a divorce and causing everyone pain, including themselves!

_Meanwhile in Texas, after getting grilled by her superior due to a lead provided by Matt seemingly leading nowhere, Audrey has something to say to Matt._

Audrey: Matt, I have come to the conclusion that you can't read minds and there are no such thing as superpowers.

Matt: How can you become so suddenly sceptical, after everyone you've seen and experienced?

Scully Syndrome Inducing Mutant: Oh that's my bad again! Sorry!

_Meanwhile in New York, Nathan has visited his comatose brother, and has something to say._

Nathan: Hey Pete. I don't know if you can hear me, but I hear that talking helps the comatosed, so listen up. I know I haven't been the perfect brother these past ten episodes, trying to have nothing to do with you, insulting your choice in career, making you doubt your sanity, telling the whole world you tried to commit the deadly sin of suicide, trying to cut you out of my life, pulling you away from your destiny, but I only did those things due to the pressure of running for congressman! And I might have subconsciously suspected you of being involved in the attack on me and my wife. But I promise, Pete. I promise that once you awake, I'll change. I'll become less of a jerk and be a much more likeable character!

Simone: How is he?

Nathan: (Tearful) This is all your fault! Peter wouldn't be near death if you hadn't shown him that painting!

Simone: Wow. Are those tears real? Are you-really upset that your brother is dying?

Nathan: Of course I'm upset! He's my brother, why wouldn't I be?

Simone: It's just that from all that we've seen these past twelve episodes, I would have been shocked if you had even shed a tear at his funeral.

Nathan: …Is that how people really see me? Some kind of uncaring machiavellan who cares less about his family?

Simone: Yes.

Nathan: …Well, let me prove everyone wrong by showing an interest in what Peter was interested in. (Kisses Peter on the head) I love you, man.

Sammy: Awww. Will you look at that? Nathan and Peter have rekindled their brotherly love!

Commentator: They still need to get a room.

_Meanwhile in New York, Mohinder has shown an FBI agent evidence regarding Sylar._

FBI Agent: I must say, Mr Suresh. The FBI haven't seen anything like this Sylar guy you've told us about.

Mohinder: What are you talking about, your very department has been hunting him since the beginning of the series! Why didn't what I reported ever get to Special Agent Hanson?

FBI Agent: Oh that's just another branch of the FBI. Welcome to America. We're so decentralised that one hand doesn't know what the other one is doing! It's not like how it is in Iran.

Mohinder: For the last time, I'M FROM INDIA! And that country's also federal! Does Suresh sound Iranian to you?

FBI Agent: O-kay, I'm just gonna run away now.

_Meanwhile in New York, Nathan examines the paintings that Isaac painted._

Nathan: This- this is impossible! This actually happened afterwards!

Isaac: It did?

Nathan: Well no, not really. He didn't really fly through the air gracefully more than he stepped off the rooftop in a graceful fashion and almost plummeted towards the earth if I hadn't grabbed him.

_Meanwhile in New York, Nathan and Hiro reunite. Wait, they've met before?_

Nathan: You know, when I first met you, I thought you were crazy.

Hiro: That's okay. When I first met you, I thought you were an arsehole.

Nathan: Why does everyone keep saying that?

Commentator: It's probably because you are!

_Meanwhile in New York, Peter wakes up from his coma, from his dream where he destroys New York. Believing himself to be a danger, Peter sets off to go to a desolate place._

Peter: (On the phone) I need to be somewhere like in the middle of the Nevada Desert! Okay, thanks, bye! (Picks up a newspaper) Hey, I think I saw this guy in 'Goblet of Fire'-

Claude Rains: DAMN YOU, DAVID TENNANT!

Peter: Hey, who are you?

Claude: Who indeed.

Peter: That joke's already been used in a different commentary!

Claude: Yes I know. DAMN YOU, DAVID TENNANT! AGAIN!

_Who is this mysterious man? Will Nathan succeed in becoming more likeable? And will we ever see the time when Claire first becomes conscious of her power? Join us next time on 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'!_

_By the way I wasn't trying to be funny with the whole 'who' thing!_


	7. The Fix

Commentator: Welcome back my normal and hero-wannabe friends to the latest instalment of 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'! Now, unfortunately, Anonymius is kindof- caught up at the moment. With a genetically altered strangling plant that is.

**Mmphmmph! Mmphmmph! Mmmmmmmmph!**

Commentator: Quiet you. Ahem, now due to this preoccupation, I have had to reluctantly take over as author of Anonymius Productions! But don't worry, I will remain faithful to Anonymius' ideas and style of writing, you won't notice the difference! Now before we began, let's respond to your reviews! Professor! Open the Shoot!

(The Professor does so, and out pops eight envelopes)

Right then! Our first review is from- Hey Nathan, come over here!

Nathan: What is it?

Commentator: This review is addressed to you personally!

Nathan: Well what does it say?

Commentator: 'hey nathan,i know a way for you to seem less arseholish! let people pay you to let them kick you in the arse,then donate it to give it to me!whatever works...seriously give it to me." By Jcogginsa. Well, you heard the man! Or woman, I'm not too sure about Jcogginsa's gender, but anyway, how about it?

Nathan: What, no! I'm not going to let people kick me in the ass!

Commentator: It will make you seem repentant?

Nathan: No.

Commentator: Oh fine if you want to seem like you don't care about all the wrongs you made in the first half of Season 1. Anyhoo, on to the next review, by queenoftheoutlands:

Hooray! Claude arrives! Damn David Tennant indeed :) I shall have to go read this Doctor Who abridged thing. Thanks for updating btw...  
Oh, and why are you leaving the Peter-vs-Sylar scene from Parasite out? its a great scene

Commentator: Well, Anonymius? What do you have to say for yourself?

(Plant unravels from mouth)

**COM I SWEAR TO YOU ONCE I GET OUT OF THIS I'M GONNA TURN YOU INTO A CANARY AGAIN, AND THIS TIME-**

Commentator: You're running out of time to speak!

**Oh fine it's because I couldn't find anyway to make it funny, okay? However, I will be including the same scene from the succeeding episode MMMPH!**

Commentator: Okay then, that's that answered!

Professor: Our next review is fromHaruko Kurimasu:

Ah, thanks for clearing up the whole 'Elle' thing! I've only watched seasons 1 and 2, because when season 3 was on TV, I was trying to catch up via DVD boxsets! But why was Elle trying to make Sylar evil? Don't worry, I don't mind spoilers; I'll watch season 3 as soon as it comes out on DVD.  
Oh, and –

Hey, Sylar! This part of the review is addressed to you?

Sylar: Oh. Really? Well what does it say?

Professor: 'You said 'he', but I'm a 'she'! I tried to emphasize the 'ai' for the brains joke, but it changed when I posted my review! Despite this, I'm a huge Sylar fan. Loved it when he was stranded in Mexico at the beginning of season 2 LOL.'

Sylar: Oh yes. That was the most hilarious moment of my life. And um, apologies for the incorrect gender.

Professor: Oh and the reason why they wanted to make Sylar evil was, as HRG put it, "To hear the whale sing". Our fourth review is from Selena Antares:

Oh my gosh, I love this! I don't even watch Heroes, but i think I'm going to have to now. Although I have to admit, I was looking forward to more Star Trek jokes... oh well! Keep up the great work!

Don't worryabout there being no more Star Trek jokes! There's going to be one in this chapter.

Sammy: Our fifth review is from petrelli heiress:

have to agree with Commentator. This version is 'way more fun.' Hehe.

Commentator: Hooray! Someone agrees with me! Anyhoo, our sixth review is also from Petrelli Heiress, and it reviews Chapter Four:

Okay, I have to review now, that was just too funny. Flying Man, does whatever a pigeon can. Hehe  
And also I think Mrs Petrelli says something about her husband having had a mental illness which eventually led him to commit suicide (which turned out to be a complete lie but whatever, supposedly Peter inherited it).

I was hoping that whole flying man thing would catch on! You never know, hoards of Heroes fans could be singing it! We might have started a fad!

Professor: Our seventh review is also from Petrelli Heiress, and reviews the fifth chapter:

Oh god, that's exactly what I was thinking! Peter's heroic pose and then the flying locker doors. His greatest fear? Hehe.  
Brains. Tee hee.

Sammy: Our eighth and final review is from Petrelli Heiress:

Haha. Please write more.  
Love Claude and his 'DAMN YOU, DAVID TENNANT!' Hilarious :)

Commentator: Wow, that whole 'DAMN YOU, DAVID TENNANT!' thing has really proved popular. Anyhoo, thank you for all of your reviews and to reward your patience, here's the next chapter 'The Fix!' Wait. 'The Fix'? Seriously, it's just the one episode? No combination of episodes? No weird combination of episode titles that make absolutely no sense? Man this episode must have been bad if there was enough to commentate on it for an entire chapter!

Professor: Or it could well be that Anonymius happened to choose this stage to make fun of the general characteristics of a certain character as well as take 'Geographically Clueless Peter' to a whole new level. Plus you know, now that the reviews are unlimited that's probably added a few more words to the word count.

Commentator: Nah, even with out the extra three hundred, it's still a lot more than we usually have.

Professor: Wait, why were you surprised? Didn't you apparently write this chapter?

Commentator: Er, yeah. I was just expressing the shock iof it, that's all. Cos I'm the best at it!

* * *

Commentator: Previously on 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'!

Peter: (On the phone) I need to be somewhere like in the middle of the Nevada Desert! Okay, thanks, bye! (Picks up a newspaper) Hey, I think I saw this guy in 'Goblet of Fire'-

Claude Rains: DAMN YOU, DAVID TENNANT!

Peter: Hey, who are you?

Claude: Who indeed.

Peter: That joke's already been used in a different commentary!

Claude: Yes I know. DAMN YOU, DAVID TENNANT! AGAIN!

Commentator: And now, on Heroes Abridged!

* * *

Peter: Seriously now, who are you?

Claude: You can call me Claude Rains.

Peter: Wait, if you're French then why do you sound like you're from the north of England?

Claude: A lot of –Fran-ces have a -north of England wait, that didn't come out right.

Peter: Well anyway. I've seen visions of myself exploding and I saw your face too recently, so I'm guessing that you're supposed to stop me from exploding.

Claude: You got that just because I appeared in your dreams?

Peter: Hey, I'm threatening to explode here! I'm a walking time bomb, I'm desperate for any way to stop going off! You've got to help me, Mr Scotsman!

Claude: Well I – wait. _SCOTSMAN?_

Peter: Well yeah! I'm guessing from your accent that you must be Scottish. Am I right?

Claude: (Through gritted teeth) Not-even-close… Well okay, I lie, it is close.

Peter: Okay then! Sorry, Irish and Scottish sound the same to me!

Claude: ...I'm not-Irish-either…

Peter: Oh sorry! Erm. Wels-

Claude: I'M ENGLISH, YOU PILOCK!

Peter: What? You can't be English! You don't sound either cockney or posh, and those are the only English accents that I've heard of! Oh no wait! I forgot! There's Beetle!

Claude: …Bee…tle…? YOU JUST SAID I WAS NORTHERN ENGLISH A SECOND AGO!

Peter: No I didn't.

Claude: YES YOU DID, YOU SAID I WAS FROM THE NORTH OF ENGLAND!

Peter: Well yeah, the North of England as in Scotland. Cos the whole island of Britannia is officially called England, right? Right?

Claude: …You know, I was going to help in a way to redeem myself, but now I've decided that you're too irritantly ignorant. You probably don't even know that Minsk isn't in Russia at all but in Belarus, which has a completely different language and ethnicity from Russia, don't you?

Peter: Bela-what-now? Is that some kind of tiny Russian state?

Claude: Didn't think so.

* * *

Commentator: Later in Peter's apartment, Nathan and Mohinder confront him.

* * *

Peter: What's he doing here?

Mohinder: Trying to make up for past mistakes.

Peter: Oh. I'm sorry. I thought you didn't believe in people with abilities, and that you were only following in your father's footsteps?

Mohinder: I had an epiphany.

Peter: Oh. Right. Expecting another one due, are you?

Mohinder: Say what?

Peter: I'm just saying that I don't want to be in a middle of an operation when you have an epiphany that there's no such thing as superpowers and then decide that you've been wasting your time.

Mohinder: Yes. Alright. I deserved that.

Nathan: No you didn't. Look Pete, all we want to do is to stop you exploding.

Peter: Well despite the fact that I'm out of options and Mohinder there probably has the best idea as to what to do with me, I'm gonna have to say no.

Nathan: All right. I didn't want to do this, but you give me no choice. If you don't come quietly, I'll make you wear (Takes a sheet of paper out dramatically) this!

Peter: What is that?

Nathan: It's your new superhero costume!

* * *

_Onlooker: Look up there! In the sky!_

_Onlooker 2: It's a bird!_

_Onlooker 3: Nah, it's a plane!_

_Onlooker 4: No, it's-_

_Copycat: AAAAAAAAAAH!_

_(Crashes into a building. The building later comes toppling down)_

_Onlookers: Copycat._

_Commentator: If you thought Inspector Gadget sucked as a super hero-_

_Mugged woman: Help me! That man stole my purse!_

_Copycat: I'll stop him!_

_(Tries to use his telekinetic abilities, but throws back the mugged woman instead.)_

_Copycat: Er, whoops?_

_Commentator: Then you haven't met Copycat!_

_Copycat: Halt, villainous fiends! I will not let you rob this bank! And you cannot harm me since I am invincible! Apart from the head._

_Gun: BANG!_

_Copycat: GAK! Maybe…it wasn't such a good idea…telling you my exact weakness…_

_Commentator: He can't seem to do anything right._

_Copycat: Don't worry, Sir! I'll catch you! Whoops! Hehheh. Just missed him._

_Commentator: Not even the simplest of superhero tasks._

_Copycat: Now then, just shake this tree and the cat will be out just fine._

_Cat: MEOOW-SPLAT._

_Copycat: Um, that cat doesn't appear to be moving._

_Girl: (Crying) WHY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING?_

_Commentator: Watch him screw up over-_

_Copycat: Fear not, people of New York! I shall stop the villainous Imperius from blowing up New York!_

_Imperius: MWAHAHAH! Fool! The bomb was designed to activate the moment it detected your DNA! If you had never come here, the bomb would have never gone off!_

_Copycat: OH no! Oh, it's just like in my dream!_

_Mayor: WHAT? You mean you foresaw yourself blowing up New York, and yet you still went up ahead to the bomb?_

_Copycat: I thought there might be a chance that the vision was wrong._

_BOOM_

_Commentator: And over-_

_Copycat: Fear not, people of San Fransisco! I went to the future and saw the bridge fall apart, but now because of that, I can stop it from ever happen-_

_CRASH_

_Copycat: Heh heh. Whoops. It turns out that I was the cause of the bridge collapsing after all._

_Onlooker: Well, it looks like Copycat has screwed up again!_

_Onlooker 2: What a surprise._

_Commentator: Again._

_Copycat: Good news, everyone! I stop a terrible dystopian future from ever coming to pass!_

_Onlookers: HOORAY!_

_Onlooker: Maybe you're not as useless as we thought!_

_Copycat: Bad news is that my actions have created a new future in which we all die._

_Onlooker: Damnit! I knew you'd screw up somehow!_

_Flying Man: Copycat, maybe you should give up the superhero business. Let's face it, all you ever do is make things worse!_

_Copycat: Oh don't worry about it! I'll just absorb the ability of Noothiratu over here in order to save the world._

_Chronos: WHAT? ARE YOU INSANE? NOT EVEN NOOTHIRATU CAN HANDLE THAT POWER, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN?_

_Copycat: Relax, I can handle it Grr. Grr. GRRRRRRRRR!_

_(Copycat transforms into a giant monster)_

_Average Joe: Oh no! Copycat has turned into a Noothiratu junior! Who saw this coming! By the way, I still resent being referred to as Average Joe._

_Copycat: BLOOOOOOOOOOOOD!_

_(Everyone runs away)_

_Commentator: If you want to watch a superhero show where the moral is where great power comes great disaster-_

_(Copycat runs after them)_

_Commentator:- Watch 'Copycat'! Coming soon to a television network near you!_

* * *

(Silence)

Peter: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

Nathan: That is how we'll portray you if you don't promise to come quietly.

Peter: Okay, Nath. I PROMISE to come quietly.

Nathan: Okay, I trust you.

Mohinder: You know, he agreed way too easily, even for someone who was threatened to be a superhero who does nothing but screw up all the time and doesn't realise it. It may be a ruse just to-

(Peter runs away)

Mohinder: Do exactly that.

Nathan: Hey! You PROMISED to come quietly!

Peter: And you promised to become less of a jerk when I woke up!

Nathan: Oh crap! You heard all of that?

Peter: Yeah! You know, I thought it was strange how you seemed to suddenly hate me the moment you found out that I knew about the attack, but I never thought that you would come to the only logical conclusion, even for someone who found out he could fly yet had no idea about other powers but there might well-

Nathan: So, are you making fun of me for assuming you were involved or you not realising that I suspected you were involved?

Peter: You know what, I haven't quite decided.

(Peter vanishes)

Nathan: Hmmm. Maybe threatening him wasn't the right approach.

Mohinder: Jeez, yah think?

* * *

Commentator: Unbeknownst to Nathan and Mohinder, who assumed that Peter flew out of the window, Claude had in fact come to his rescue and made them both invisible.

* * *

Claude: I've decided to help you.

Peter: Wait, what happened to before when you said you didn't care?

Claude: Idiot! That's just something reluctant mentor figures initially say, then a scene later they change their minds and decide to train the hero. Although there's a chance that I'll misdiagnose you, causing us to waste time for the next two episodes, and ironically creating the fate that you foresaw that wouldn't have happened if I had never interfered in the first place, and even in the long run my teaching of you to use all these powers will only ironically make you more useless and suck as a super hero because of the theme in this series is that those who try to save the world with a lot of power will only end up making it worse, but what the hey, I'm bored, and this whole master and apprentice thing should be fun!

* * *

Commentator: Meanwhile back in Los Angeles…

* * *

Chief: Office Parkman, do you really expected us to believe this story of magic and heroism?

Matt: Yes.

Chief: (So, either this guy's a nutter or he's so stupid that he thought we'd believe his crazy story? Either way it's not looking good for him.)

Matt: Okay, I lied. I was trying to make myself look like a hero and get myself out of traffic.

Chief: (Wait a minute. If he's a traffic cop, then what was he doing at a crime scene in the first place?)

* * *

Commentator: Meanwhile in New York, our Hiro and his sidekick Ando are confronted by Hiro's father.

* * *

Commentator: Wait. You're father's Sulu? Well that explains a lot.

* * *

Commentator: What is Hiro's father doing in New York? Can Nathan and Mohinder locate Peter? And will Claude stop Peter from exploding or will he do the exact opposite and be partially responsible for Peter exploding? Join us next time on 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'!

* * *

_Wait a minute! What happened to my part?_

Commentator: I'm sorry?

_YOU COMPLETELY CUT ME OUT OF THE CHAPTER!_

Commentator: Oh I'm sorry, italic narrator guy. I decided that you weren't necessary.

NOT NECESSARY? THE REASON ANONYMIUS INCLUDED ME WAS THAT I WAS NECESSARY, IT DOESN'T WORK WITH YOU!

Commentator: I however beg to differ.

_-That's it. Imprisoning Anonymius was one thing. Introducing unlimitied review specials was another. Even skipping what Anonymius planned for Yu Yu Hakusho abridged was another another, but cutting me out? This time you've gone too far! I shall establish the Resistance, a loyalist group that will restore Anonymius back to power! VIVA LA RESISTANCE!_

Professor: Wow. You know, it'd be very ironic if his attempt to restore Anonymius succeeds, Sir. You're discluding him from a parody would undo the very situation that was caused when Anonymius excluded you from a parody!

Commentator: Yes, the irony hasn't escaped me.

* * *

Professor: (Oh and before we go, please excuse Anonymius if he seemed cranky before. Being trapped in a strangling plant for over a week will do that to you. Oh and before I forget, **Anonymius does not own 'Heroes' or anything related**!)


	8. Distractions Run Unexpectedly

**I do not own 'Heroes' or anything related.**

* * *

Professor: Hello everyone! Welcome to the latest chapter of 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'. Before we begin let's take a look at some of the reviews you've sent us. Professor! Open the shoot! Oh wait, that's me!

(The professor does so, and out pops eleven envelopes)

Commentator: Wow, eleven! That's about as many as the ones we got for Harry Potter Abridged after posting chapter five!

Professor: -Didn't you lose your voice? Literally?

Commentator: I guess that Tweettweettweettweettweet – TWEET! TWEET TWEET TWEETTWEET!

Professor: Yes. Yes it has. Hmm. It seems that most of this are from a Sakura Katana. Anyway, let's go through them. This one is from YinYang13:

oh my gosh this was really funny! i loved the flying man song me and my friend used to greet each other like that.(even though were both girls). um are you going to use the whole "YATTA!" thing that Hiro does alot?  
also i'm not that big of a claire fan (sorry claire fans don't yell at me for it) and i was wondering if you will put her in at all. or Sandra's freaky obsession with her dog? or how Lyle seems to never end up in the show or get attention from his parents even though he is there real kid?  
Anyway this was really good(i just read the whole thing!)  
Bye

What? We've included tons of Claire, her plot was the most prominent in 'six minutes to homecoming!' Although I admit she's been somewhat of a minor character in other chapters. And to answer your other questions, we will not include Hiro's Yatta or have no intention of using it, because we see no reason to make fun of it (Apart from the translation into 'I did it', when it is more translatable as 'yay' or 'hooray' or 'yes!'). No we have no plans yet to feature Sandra's love of Mr Muggles. We could make a really bad Harry Potter joke, but we will refrain from doing so. About Lyle, he did not seem to Anonymius to be that underused. Until Season three, obviously.

Commentator: Hey Prof, I've been meaning to ask! Exactly how prominent have our heroes been in our parody?

Professor: Well Sir, in terms of plot, Peter has been the most prominent character in all of our chapters, apart from 'Seven Minutes to Homecoming', and 'Fallout and Godsend Six months ago.' Nathan has also been quite prominent in 'In his Image', as well as 'Don't look Leap,' 'Better to Hide', and 'Fallout and Godsend Six Months Ago', though a minor one in 'Collision of Hiros', 'Seven Minutes to Homecoming' and 'The Fix'. Mohinder has been prominent in 'In His Image' and 'Collision of Hiros', but minor in all others, apart from the second and fourth where he was non-existant. Hiro we haven't included much of, apart from the second chapter, 'Seven Minutes to Homecoming', 'The Fix' and 'Collision of Hiros', where he played minor roles. Come to think of it, the other-

Clock: TING!

Professor: Whoops, we've ran out of time!

**It's okay Prof, I'll let you finish.**

Clock: -WHAT?

Professor: -Oh, okay then. As I was saying, the other main characters have either been minor or non-existant.

Commentator: -So, so far, the only really important characters have been Peter and Nathan?

Professor: Pretty much.

Commentator: Heh heh, could it be that Petrellies' plotline really sucks whereas there's not that much wrong with other characters' plots?

Professor: Certainly seems that way. Oh now I'm getting a message to conclude the review special, so here's the next chapter, 'Distractions Run Unexpectedly From A Parasitic Company Man'.

* * *

_Meanwhile in New York, Claude goes over with Peter as to how he'll explode. Man do I miss being in work!_

Claude: So I'm guessing that the reason you'll explode is because you've absorbed all these powers and they'll somehow become too much for your body causing you to explode, even though we've never been given any indication that you keep a copy of the power in your DNA after first contact.

* * *

One episode of abuse later…

* * *

Claude: Well done, my young apprentice! You've drawn out your first ability without being near someone! How did you do it?

Peter: All I needed to do was think about the person I got the ability from, which is what I did while lying there on the taxi.

Claude: -Wait a minute. Shouldn't you have been clearly dead after a fall like that?

Peter: -What's your point.

Claude: DEAD PEOPLE DON'T THINK.

Peter: That's not a very polite thing to say. Dead people are just people like you and me!

Claude: (Groaaaaaaaaaaaaaan..................)

* * *

_Meanwhile in Texas, Claire tracks down her mother, Meredith Gordon, who later phones Nathan Petrelli._

Meredith: Nathan, our daughter is alive.

Commentator: WHAT? NATHAN IS CLAIRE'S BIOLOGICAL FATHER? Professor, do you know what this means?

Professor: No. What?

Commentator: It means that 'Heroes' has turned into a soap opera!

* * *

_Meanwhile in Las Vegas, Jessica tracks down DL and Micah, accidentally injuring Micah._

Niki: Micah, I'm sorry!

Micah: Mom, you're back!

DL: ...OH, YOU HAVE SPLIT PERSONALITY DISORDER! Why didn't either of you say something? Honestly, that would have saved us from travelling all the way here, staying out of sight for days, trying to keep away from what I thought was a treacherous and murderous- (Niki and Micah stare and him) What?

_In order to stop Jessica from hurting anyone else, Niki turns herself in to the police, when a mental institute would have been just as effective and more appropriate, without even telling people that she has personality disorder, thinking that she could just rot in prison for murdering alot of people in a country that has the death penalty. When Linderman gets her out, Jessica somehow traps Niki and poses as Niki, fooling everyone, even though her genius son could recognise her in the past._

Micah: I just feel that maybe we should be out there fighting crime.

_Look out Fantastic Four, cos there's a new family of superheroes out there, the Tremendous Three! Ghost! Herculanea! And Technoboy! Join them as they battle together an assortment of villains, including their arch-nemesis, the evil Asclepius! Asclespius? Wait, isn't he the Greek god of medicine? What kind of a name for a supervillain is that? (I think he's supposed to be an ironic villain. Oh right!) Join us! Coming soon to a television network near you!_

_

* * *

_

_Meanwhile in Texas, Claire has yet again met up with her biological mother._

Meredith: Hey, where's that friend of yours who was around last time?

Claire: You mean Zach? Oh he left. Apparently his mum wasn't aware that this town was going to make him gay so she left, taking him with her to New Mexico. It was kinda abrupt. Although apparently there were plans to leave before I even started having my suicide attempts that somehow help me cope with my ability taped! You know what, I'm so mad at Zach for leaving without even saying goodbye that I don't think I'll ever speak of him again! So when do I get to meet my dad?

Meredith: Never. He doesn't care about you. You will however get fifty grand.

Claire: I DON'T WANT HIS MONEY OR ANYTHING FROM HIM! I HATE HIS GUTS! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Meredith: Wow. You've only known about him for a few seconds and already you've got the angsty teenager daughter-father relationship set up perfectly!

_Meanwhile in New York, Mohinder attempts to contact several mutants, none with much success._

Mohinder: Man, I'm not getting anywhere with this mutant hunting thing!

Commentator: Oh if only you had believed Peter instead of getting suddenly cynical about the whole thing for no clear reason. Then you could have had him, and Isaac, and Nathan, and Hiro, and Claire-

Mohinder: Shut up! My experience with Nathan Petrelli made me completely change my mind on my course of life, okay?

Commentator: Yeah, he has that effect on people.

_Just then, however, a Zane Taylor contacts Mohinder. Unfortunately, Sylar gets to him first._

Zane: Are you Mohinder Suresh?

Sylar: -Yes Zane, I'm Indian. I know I may not look or even sound it, but I'm definitely Indian! I believe in many gods, speak Indian as my primary language and a third thing that I can't think of at the moment.

Zane: Well Dr Suresh, I think you're the person to help me!

Sylar: ...Tell me Mr Taylor, do you know what Sarcasm is?

Zane: ...Is that some kind of traditional Indian cuisine that I haven't heard of?

Sylar: Didn't think so.

_When Mohinder gets there, Sylar, posing as Zane, demonstrates his ability._

Mohinder: Haha! Excellent! I've found my first mutant!

"Zane": Great! So, what are you going to do now, now that you've found me?

Mohinder: …To be honest, I haven't thought that far ahead. I was so focused on finding mutants that I never thought about what to do once I found one of them. I guess I'll perform some tests.

"Zane": And what are they supposed to accomplish?

Mohinder: Like I said, I haven't thought that far ahead.

_Meanwhile in New York, Peter continues to go under Claude's training so that he will not explode._

Peter: Hang on, I've already worked out how to draw out my powers, why am I still hanging around with you?

Claude: Because the fans love me since I'm played by the artist formerly known as Doctor Who.

Peter: And what's the point of the staff?

Claude: To be honest, I'm just making this stuff up as I go along, I absolutely have no idea what I'm doing! (Attempts to whack Peter with the stick, only to have it deflected)

Claude: Oo, telekinesis! Who's ability is that?

Peter: I absolutely have no idea.

Claude: Hold on, I thought you stated last episode that you needed to think of the person whose ability you're copying?

Peter: Hey, I think this is our first actual plothole! Wait, it's only the first season and we're already getting plotholes? Most good series don't get them until after a good few seasons!

_Meanwhile in Texas, Claire has become worried due to her mother's memory loss._

Claire: Mum, you know how you've been forgetting things?

Sandra: Claire as you well know as far I as know, I haven't been forgetting things, am I going to have any idea what you're talking about?

Claire: Did you just break the fourth wall?

Sandra: I'm your mother. I'm allowed to break the fourth wall. Oooh, I'm feeling dizzy. (Collapses)

Claire: Mum!

Professor: Oh no! The effects of having her memory constantly erased have taken their toll!

Commentator: Either that or it's punishment for not apologising for breaking the fourth wall, like every other character has done in this parody!

_Meanwhile in New York, Claude decides to take a break from Peter's training._

Claude: So let's take a break from your training.

Peter: Cool! Are you going to serve me your people's famous Hagis?

Claude: FOR THE LAST TIME, THAT'S SCOTLAND! God, you must be the most annoying American I've ever met!

Peter: Hey, it's not like you've been good company either! Getting me into trouble, constantly insulting me, ranting about David Tennant. Honestly, it's like having my brother 24/7! Apart from the whole David Tennant thing, that is.

_Before Claude can retort, He is stunned by HRG and the Haitian. However, Peter uses his telekinetic abilities to deflect the stun guns then flies away with Claude to safety._

Claude: You jerk! Why didn't you tell me you were being tracked?

Peter: Hey, I didn't know! Although my brother may have mentioned something about a Men in Black-like organisation that tried to abduct him once in Vegas, but I didn't believe him! Despite all the other crazy things I believe in!

Claude: Well that's it! I'm leaving the series!

Peter: Wait, you can't! You're such a popular character!

Claude: I know. Don't worry Pete, the writers are in touch with the fans' desires, so unless some kind of writer's strike happens next year, you should see me some time next season!

_Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Matt's wife confronts him about the diamonds he stole last episode._

Matt: I'm just trying to support my family!

Commentator: No you're not. You didn't give the diamonds in because the cop mentally insulted you.

Matt: That too.

_Meanwhile in Texas, Claire confronts her father over the mind erasing he had performed on his wife._

Noah: Look Claire, I'm sorry! I know I haven't been the perfect dad these past few episodes, erasing your mother's mind, your brother's mind, your own mind, lying to you about my life and your biological parents, and on top of all that erasing the mind of your only friend and confident Zach leaving you more lonely than ever-

Claire: Who?

_Meanwhile at the Bennett's house, Matt and Ted confront HRG, during which Matt accuses the company of giving him his power._

Noah: WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA hold on for a minute! You think your powers were given? Whatever gave you that idea?

Matt: I didn't get these powers until you guys abducted me!

Noah: …Tell me Matt, how do you know that we're the ones who abducted you?

Matt: Because I recognised the Haitian, that's why!

Noah: Okay, and what made you suspicious of the Haitian?

Matt: Because his was the only mind I couldn't read!

Noah: And did you fail to read his mind before or after being abducted?

Matt: What are you talking about, obviously this happened before-oh.

Claire: YOU SAID YOU WERE CERTAIN YOUR ABILITIES WERE GIVEN!

Matt: I'm sorry. I somehow completely forgot ever using my abilities up to that point even though what tipped me off about the Haitian was the fact I couldn't read his mind.

Noah: Wow. You've got to be the dumbest character ever conceived!

Matt: Hey I'm not dumb! I just got carried away with my suspicions and ignored all possible illogical flaws, like all good cop-like people do!

HRG: This isn't because you're a cop. It's because you're just dumb.

_Meanwhile in New York, Peter has come to his brother about his problems._

Peter: I'm in danger of exploding due to all these powers I've absorbed and haven't drawn out despite the fact that I've drawn them all out.

Nathan: Why not go to Suresh? He may find a cure.

Peter: Well despite the urgency of the situation I'm gonna say no.

Nathan: You're still upset that he made you feel crazy aren't you?

Peter: ...No.

Nathan: Just go to Suresh!

_Meanwhile in Las Vegas, Nathan confronts mobster Linderman._

Linderman: Welcome, Flying Man. We've been expecting you. And by 'We've' I mean 'I've'.

Nathan: Wait, hold the phone! You're British?

Linderman: What are you talking about? I'm as American as you!

Nathan: Er, no you're not. Judging from your accent, you're clearly British!

Linderman: Yet judging from the graphic novels, it's implied that I was raised in America. I just spent a good deal of time in the U.K., and the accent's rubbed off on me.

Nathan: AHA! You just admitted it! No self-respecting American ever refers to England as 'The U.K.'!

Linderman: …Damn. What about Arvin Sloane in Alias?

Nathan: -Okay. No self-respecting American refers to England as the U.K. in a casual fashion!

Linderman: ...Okay you've got me there. But I do love helping people, especially the children. We've got to look after the children.

Nathan: You've gotta be kidding me. The feared and ruthless mobster is this male Mary Poppins?

Linderman: I'm supposed to be an ironic villain.

Nathan: Oh. Right. How cliché.

Linderman: Groan. Look, instead of killing me, how about I tell you about my diabolical plan for world security?

Nathan: Sounds good to me!

_What is Linderman's fiendish plot to make the world a better place? Will Peter stop himself from exploding? Will other Heroes characters get more screen time? Join us next time on 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'!_

* * *

Commentator: So Prof, how well have our heroes done so far?

Professor: Well Sir, the episodes covered included all of our main characters, and we featured all apart from Hiro, Isaac and Simone. Claire has been our most important character, with Peter, Nathan, Matt, HRG also prominent. However, Mohinder and the superhero family have been minor.


	9. Point Naught Seven Percent

**I do not own 'Heroes' or anything related!**

**

* * *

**

Professor: Hello, everyone! Welcome to the latest instalment of 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'. Before we begin let's take a look at the reviews you've sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!

(Silence)

Commentator: Well?

Professor: I'm waiting for the Professor to open the shoot.

Commentator: Prof, that's you.

Professor: …I knew that. I was making a joke. Or something.

(The Professor does so, and out pops four envelopes)

Professor: Right then! Our first review is from petrelli heiress:

These are always so funny! :)  
Hehe, well finally an explanation for Claire's never mentioning Zach again. I like.

Sammy: Our second review is from Haruko Kurimasu:

FINALLY, someone mentions how weird and stupid it was that Matt and Ted thought they GOT their abilites from the Company! I was always confused about what the heck they were talking about! I knew from the beginning that Matt had his powers BEFORE meeting the Haitian because he was able to hear Molly's thoughts from OUTSIDE the house! Guess the Haitian erased a BIT too much of their memories... Or is that just an excuse from the writers from failing to remember this important plotline!  
Oh, and have you seen the new trailer for Volume 5? Looks like Sylar's gonna get revenge against Matt for making him believe and act like Nathan! PLOT TWIST!  
And I'm glad Anonymius is back, though I did like how the Commentator read and answered all of the reviews! Can their be a compromise?

Commentator: Ha ha! Everyone thinks I'm better at responding to reviews than you!

**At last! Someone else who found it odd how Matt thought his powers were given!**

Professor: Yes, Anonymius also thought it had something to do with the Haitian's mind wiping abilities, but then thought why would he let him remember the Haitian and not him using his powers, and if he really did erase that, then how come he didn't seem too shocked about suddenly hearing his wife's thoughts or why did he still remember Audrey?

Commentator: Oo! What's this about the new trailer for Volume 5? Let's check it out!

TWO MINUTES LATER...

Commentator: Well that looks promising, although it looks a bit like 'Heroes meets Carnivale'! And Peter really needs a mask! Our third review is from Yinyang13:

this was really good. sorry i sounded mean last reveiw. this was really funny and had me laughing. by the way what does "breaking the fourth wall" mean?  
Peace Out!

Professor: She was mean?

Commentator: I'll answer this one! Breaking the fourth wall strictly refers to moments when a character becomes aware of the viewer and interacts with them. So imagine the scene surrounded by four walls, and the character breaks through the one facing the viewer, hence 'breaking the fourth wall'. The term is also used to refer to any moment that a character becomes aware that they are a fictional character and/or expresses knowledge that they could not possibly know unless they are part of the audience.

Professor: Our fourth and final review is from queenoftheoutlands:

OMG! Sandra broke the fourth wall! Loved Sarcastic!Sylar/"Zane" and Claude too. Gotta love Claude :)

Commentator: Well that's everyone! And we did it under five hundred words! Who needs the Clock to keep us in check? And here's the next chapter, '.07%'! Boy, another episode on its own!

* * *

Linderman: Let me start by revealing that I am in fact the head of the Company.

Commentator: I knew it!

Linderman: And let me also reveal that like you and your brother, I am a hero.

Nathan: No you're not, you're a ruthless mobster, how are you in any way a hero?

Linderman: Hero as in person with abilities.

Commentator: That I also knew! So tell me! What's your ability? You can see everything anywhere like you're your own CCTV network? Force people to tell the truth? Emit some kind of energy wave right from your finger tips?

Linderman: I have the ability- (Touches dying plant) to heal! (Plant is restored)

Nathan: -Seriously? That's your ability? Huh. Not kinda what I was expecting for a crime lord. I was thinking something like seeing everything that goes on in your hotels suited you better.

Linderman: It's supposed to be an ironic power.

* * *

Linderman: The main purpose of the Company is to save the world.

Nathan: And yet you're a criminal mastermind as well? Talk about a paradox!

Linderman: Ahem. Anyway, after many years, we have come up with a perfect solution to unite the world and bring world peace: by causing a catastrophic event in the most populous city in the most powerful country that causes the deaths of many people and great destruction.

Nathan: Er, yeah, we've already had an event like that, it's called "9/11". And instead of uniting the world all it did was fragment it even more!

Linderman: Yes, but the problem with "9/11" was that the catastrophe wasn't big enough.

Nathan: I don't think that was the problem-

Linderman: What we're planning will be 9/11 times eighty thousand.

Nathan: GASP! You don't mean-?

Linderman: Yes. Seven million, two hundred and eighty-eight thousand. You know the nuclear explosion in New York's future that Isaac, Peter and Hiro have all seen? THE COMPANY HAVE BEEN THE ONES BEHIND IT ALL!

Nathan: GASP! WHAT A TWIST! WHAT A SHOCKING REVELATION! WHAT A- Wait, how exactly have you manipulated all these seemingly random events to precisely create the nuclear explosion?

Linderman: …To be honest I'm not quite sure. The writers never went into detail with that. Of course you don't have to be a genius to work out that we gave Ted his nuclear abilities for the exact purpose to become the bomb!

Nathan: I guess.

Linderman: You see Nathan, when this catastrophe occurs, everyone will unite under American leadership against the threat of those who can destroy them like New York.

Nathan: …Okay, I can already see a number of flaws in your plan. First of all, you're really expecting every country in the world to give up their suzerainty to America, just because of this threat, when they can handle it themselves? Secondly you're really expecting every country to care what happens in America? We're like the most hated country in the world! I mean the only reason why a number of countries united after 9/11 was because a number of nationals were located in the world trade centre. And thirdly, can't you see that if you go forward with your plan it'll end up with people like us being persecuted, imprisoned and even killed? What are you, a self-loathing hypocrite?

Linderman: I'm in charge of an organisation that goes about capturing my own kind and experimenting on them as if controlled by norms who are interested in people with abilities and have no problem with it because they're not their own kind, what do you think? You know, you have the potential to become an excellent Company official.

Nathan: I doubt it!

Linderman: Perhaps in a couple of years you'll come around. I understand if you are cautious towards this plan, given the number of people who'll die. But rest assured Nathan, it is only 0.07% of the world population, a reasonable sacrifice for world security.

Nathan: I'm not opposing your plan because of the millions of people who will die, I'm opposing it because it's clearly flawed and you obviously haven't thought it through! It makes about as much sense as that racist's plan in 'Earth: Final Conflict' to wipe out all black people with a virus that, unlike him, didn't discriminate between colour, even being lethal to the Taelons he so admired!

Linderman: 'Earth: Final what now'?

Nathan: It was this show from the late nineties based on a concept by Gene Roddenberry. You know, your plan bears an awful resemblance to Ozy-

Linderman: NO! IT IS NOTHING LIKE OZYMENDIAS'! OUR PLAN IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

Nathan: You're right! His plan made a lot more sense in a world on the verge of nuclear war that involved blowing up cities around the world instead of the one and expecting the rest of the world to care! What makes you think that I'll go along with this?

Linderman: In a few years time you'll become president.

Nathan: …(Picks up a glass) To world security! Although I must admit, I don't see myself being elected as president when I'm too low in the polls to be elected congressman.

Linderman: Who could blame them, you're a machiavellan arsehole who would easily sacrifice any member of his family on the flimsiest of reasons.

Nathan: But I thought the only way you could get through the world was to be a machiavellan arsehole!

Linderman: Only in the private sphere. In the public you've got to be a bit more humane, at least publicly, and unless you are a brilliant actor, if you are not humane, even if you try to look it, your true nature still shows. But don't worry, Nathan. Despite your major blunders, I'll make sure you'll become congressman.

* * *

_Meanwhile in New York, Peter went to see Mohinder about help, only to be captured by Sylar._

Sylar: BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS! You know, instead of killing you right away, I'm just going to take a moment to examine your healing ability, giving you ample time to fling me back.

Peter: Fling you back? WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT BEFORE?

* * *

Sylar: Two multi-powered mutants? We could begin the greatest special effects battle ever produced! Even the X-Men will envy us!

Peter: We could, but I think I'll just run away and turn invisible instead.

Sylar: Coward. (Causes shards of glass to telekinetically rise and throw them at where Peter was)

Mohinder: Oh come on! I think Peter has better sense to move from where he was instead of just remaining-

Peter: GAK!

Mohinder: -Oh. I guess he doesn't.

Peter: Why…Didn't I move (Falls forward)…or at least use my telekinetic abilities to stop the glass…?

Sylar: Now then, BRAIIIIIIIII-AH!

(Mohinder knocks him out).

* * *

_Later that day, Mohinder drops Peter's body off at his mother's, who later informs Nathan as to what has happened, who comes over._

Commentator: You know, there's no way we can make this scene funny. The only people who can make any kind of tragedy hilarious are Matt Stone and Trey Parker, and trust us, Anonymius is no Matt Stone or Trey Parker!

Nathan: What are we going to do?

Angela: We have to hide his body. We can't have his death ruin your chances of becoming congressman.

Nathan: HOW IS MY BROTHER BEING BRUTALLY MURDEDED GOING TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A BAD POLITICIAN? I mean isn't this the chance of showing people my emotion, and that contrary to previous episodes that I do have a soul?

Sammy: I'd vote for you!

(The Commentator slaps him away)

Nathan: Plus if we try to cover it up, there's always a chance that some journalist will dig it up and this will make me look like a shady politician who can't be trusted! And unlike most impressions of politicians it'd be accurate!

Angela: Oh this level of political common sense is coming from a guy who told the world his brother tried to commit suicide instead of an accident just because of a one-in-a-million chance of a journalist discovering the truth!

Nathan: -How did you know about that?

* * *

_Meanwhile at the Petrelli home, Claire, who due to a series of unfortunate events ended up at the Petrelli home, takes out the shard of glass in Peter's head, reviving him._

Nathan: I don't know what I would have done if you had died, Peter. Possibly become a drunk, grow a beard, hang around in your apartment and drive my family away. I wouldn't have the will to become congressman if you weren't around, Peter.

Peter: -Seriously? The guy you tried to have nothing to do with at the beginning of the series, publicly humiliated and publicly disowned?

Nathan: You're never going to let that go, are you?

Peter: And I hadn't even mentioned the time when you made me think I was insane or insulted my career choice!

_Will Linderman's insane plan succeed? Will the brain eater strike again? And will Peter ever let go of what his brother did to him at the beginning of the series (I doubt it)? Find out next time on Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)!_

* * *

Commentator: So Prof? How important have all our characters been in this episode?

Professor: Does it really need stating?

Commentator: Well no, but could you do it anyway?

Professor: Oh fine! Ahem, this episode featured all of the main characters, whereas this chapter only featured Nathan, Peter, Claire and Mohinder, but Claire and Mohinder's parts were too insignificant. Nathan was the main character with Peter having a supporting role.


	10. Five Years Part

**I do not own 'Heroes' or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back, my normal and hero wannabe friends to the latest instalment of 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'! Before we begin let's take a look at the reviews you've sent us. PROFESSOR! OPEN THE SHOOT!

(The Professor does so, and out pops six envelopes)

Commentator: Right then! Our fist review is from BellaRide28:

Dude, this parody is insanely funny! I was wondering if anyone else noticed the insanely huge plotholes that weakened the structural supports of this absurd series that I love despite all of the bad things! And I love how all of the characters keep breaking the third wall... It's so funny!

Hey Pete! There's a question here for you!

Peter: What does it say?

Commentator: 'At this stage in your life, how would feel if an electrical powered diva wanted to cut your beloved hair? Would you allow her to, or do you love it as much as everyone else does?'

Peter: …I guess I would prefer to keep my hair the way it is.

Professor: Our second review is from Petrelli Heiress:

Okay, I absolutely loved the conversation between Nathan and Linderman at the beginning of this chapter, simply priceless. If only someone had pointed all the flaws out to the Company before they begun. Would have saved a lot of trouble.

Hehe, Sylar and his brains. Nice.

Sylar: BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!

Commentator: Yes, thank you for that, Sylar.

(Silence)

Commentator: Hey, why isn't Sammy answering a review?

Professor: He's still travelling in space since you whacked him with a baseball bat, remember?

Commentator: Still?

* * *

Sammy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH hey, how exactly am I screaming if there's no air in the vacuum of space? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH (Is turned around by a ring around a planet) or more importantly, how am I not suffocating if there's no air? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

* * *

Professor: Yes, Sir. Still.

Commentator: Oh. right. Oh well, more reviews for me!

Professor: You mean us?

Commentator: Sure, why not. Anyway, our third review is from Sakura Katana:

Nice one. I liked "Even the X-Men will envy us!" and the Linderman bit the best. But I do think the X-Men were envious long before "Parasite"... maybe because Heroes tends to develop their (non-Sylar-victim) mutants before killing them off. Referring to the movies, obviously. :)

Commentator: Yes well I'm sure the X-Men would retort with "at least our universe has some decent fight scenes".

BOM BOM BOM CH

Professor: Our fourth review is from Haruko Kurimasu:

Yes, a new chapter! (clenches fist) And hey, you even got in the "Parasite" scene! Well, it was in "0.07%" too, but much extended! I LOL'd (truly!) when...

Nathan: I don't know what I would have done if you had died, Peter. Possibly become a drunk, grow a beard, hang around in your apartment and drive my family away. I wouldn't have the will to become congressman if you weren't around, Peter.

I hated that beard. :( Made him look like a homeless lumberjack!  
And also for pointing out Peter's battle stupidity against Sylar. I was wondering why he was facing the opposite direction of Sylar AND standing around! At least Mohinder was thinking lol. You should've had something like this after Mohinder and Peter escaped.

Sylar: BRAINS! No, the list leading the BRAINS! Is-

Sylar: For the last time, it's BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS! I mean BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!

Commentator: It doesn't really make a difference with vowel you emphasise on, does it?

Sylar: That's not the point!

Commentator: And Sylar we've been through this. Haruko Kurimasu has already explained why she can't do a long brains. Leave her alone.

Sylar: NEVER!

Commentator: Sigh. Our fifth review is from 'Queenofthelands':

Mohinder: Oh come on! I think Peter has better sense to move from where he was instead of just remaining-  
Peter: GAK!  
Mohinder: -Oh. I guess he doesn't.  
Peter: Why…Didn't I move (Falls forward)…or at least use my telekinetic abilities to stop the glass…?  
Sylar: Now then, BRAI-AH!  
(Mohinder knocks him out).

Major lol. Particularly loved the "GAK" And the thing about Linderman's ironic power. Awesome commentary, as usual :)

**Why thank you, Queenofthelands!**

Commentator: Oi! Anonymius! We had a deal! You disclaim, and I respond!

**Sorry Com. I just felt this was on of those reviews that only I could respond to.**

(The commentator grumbles)

Professor: Our sixth review is from Almightyseakelp:

Haha, YES. Earth: Final Conflict reference! I love you now.

Also, your anonymous reviews are disabled.

Commentator: Oh. They are? Hey Anon, could you fix this?

**I'm sorry, I thought I wasn't allowed to speak during the review special?**

Commentator: JUST DO IT!

**All right. But I'm just doing this for my readers, not for you. Right, it's done!**

Commentator: Thank you:

Cheers for pointing out the numerous flaws in The Secret Evil Plan of DOOM. And Nathan and Peter's ambiguously incestuous relationship.

Our seventh and final review is from Yingyang13:

Yay! Another Chapter! I can't wait for more. This is really funny!

Well here's your wish, Yingyang13! The latest chapter!

* * *

_Previously on Heroes, our Hiro had not only failed in his attempt to save the woman he liked, but had lost his powers as well. And so he and his sidekick Ando went on a journey to retrieve a fabulous sword of Takezo Kensei to restore his powers, which led them to Las Vegas. Finding the sword, our Hiro and Ando teleported away, only to find themselves five years in the future in New York and face to face with Future Hiro._

Hiro: Why aren't we destroyed?

Future Hiro: Come again?

Hiro: If a person meets his future or past self, shouldn't they both be destroyed because of the apparent paradox?

Future Hiro: Please! As if the universe really cares if two version of the same person actually meet! Just because this show featured Christopher Eccleston doesn't mean we've adopted the same temporal physics as Doctor Who!

Hiro: Then why did you tell Peter about the Cheerleader instead of me?

Future Hiro: -I don't know.

_And so Future Hiro begins to explain why saving the cheerleader was so important in saving the world._

Future Hiro: The bomb turned out to be Sylar, and I tried to kill him, but he didn't die because he absorbed the cheerleader's regenerative ability. Without the Cheerleader's regeneration, he will be a mortal man. A man with a maimed soul, but a man nonetheless, and he will die from a sword wound just like being shot or falling off a building.

Commentator: Umm, actually-

Hiro: But Peter did it! He saved the cheerleader!

Future Hiro: He did? Then why has nothing changed? Unless of course you jumping into the future means you were never around to kill Sylar.

Ando: If that's the case then how can you exist?

Future Hiro: Because only future events committed by Present Hiro have ceased to exist. Duh.

Ando: -That doesn't make any temporal logical sense.

_Just as Future Hiro was about to retort, government agents charge in and end up kidnapping Present Hiro. Ando and Future Hiro turn to Future Peter for help._

Ando: You have a scar even though you have regenerative abilities? That makes even less sense!

Peter: Look, I'm pretty sure it can be explained that I came across a mutant whose attacks my regenerative power cannot heal against.

_Just then government agents led by Matt Parkman once again barge in. Fortunately the trio escapes, but not before Matt catches a good glimpse of Future Hiro, confirming that there are two Hiros and he is indeed a time traveller. He reports this to the president, Nathan Petrelli._

Matt: I say we need to kill the Hiro we've got right away.

Nathan: I'm surprised you want to kill him instead of be tempted by the chance to undo this dystopian future.

_And so Future Peter and Hiro lead an attack upon the facility in which Present Hiro is being kept, where they come across an old friend._

Peter: Hello, Mohinder.

Mohinder: Peter? You're alive?

Peter: How have you been thinking that I've been dead these past five years?

Mohinder: I don't know, but I guess I'm making up in advance for any lack of shock I might have during the season finale.

Future Hiro: This is no time for discussing inconsistencies, I need to send my past self back into the past so that he can-GAK!

Matt: Mwahahaha! I have killed our Hiro, postponing any attempt to go back in time and undo this horrible future!

Commentator: Damnit, Parkman, you're even dumber in this future than you are in the present, why couldn't you take the day off?

(Future Peter telekinetically closes the door shut)

Peter: There! Now no one can get in!

(Arm phases through and grabs Peter and pulls him through)

Nathan: I beg to differ. Get that door open!

Matt: Yes Sir!

Nathan: Aren't you baffled how I'm able to pass through walls?

Matt: You'd think so but no.

Peter: My brother can't pass through solid objects! Who are you? Show yourself!

Nathan: If you insist. (Changes form)

Sylar: Boo.

Peter: YOU?

Sylar: Yes. Me. The one they blamed for the destruction of New York. But we both know what really happened, don't we, Pete? By the way, I love the trench coat look. Very Keanu Reeves.

Peter: Yeah, I have a thing for Neo.

Sylar: Shouldn't you be a bit more upset that your brother's dead?

Peter: You think so, wouldn't you? Well if it's that important to you, I'll make you pay for the death of my brother!

Sylar: He already betrayed his kind long before I took over.

Peter: Liar! My brother would never turn on his own kind like some self-loathing hypocrite!

Sylar: You just wait in a couple of years. (Forms ice around his hand)

Peter: Just to let you know, I'm not the wimp I was five years ago (Forms fire around his hand)

Sylar: Excellent. Let us begin the greatest special effects battle ever produced on-

* * *

Future Mohinder: Quickly! You've got to go back in time and end this- OH WOW! I'VE JUST SEEN THE GREATEST SPECIAL EFFECTS BATTLE EVER PRODUCED!

Hiro: Wait, let me see-

Future Mohinder: No time! You've got to go back and- OH WOW, I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY POWERS USED IN ONE BATTLE, IT'S WAY BETTER THAN ALL THE FIGHT SCENES IN THE X-MEN MOVIES COMBINED!

Hiro: No! I have to see this fight before I go.

Future Mohinder: No time! You've got to –OH WOW, SERIOUSLY, ANYONE WHO HAS NOT SEEN THIS WILL NOT HAVE LIVED!

Hiro: PLEASE! YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME SEE-

Mohinder: No time!

Hiro: Awwww.

VAMOOSH.

_And so, our Hiro and his sidekick Ando begin their journey to kill Sylar in order to save the world._

Commentator: But, they've got it all wrong! They think that Sylar was the bomb, but it was actually Peter! Their attempt is doomed to fail! Besides Sylar already has a regenerative ability. Not as instantaneous as Claire's, but regenerative still!

_As our Hiro and his sidekick Ando embark on their journey to finally stop the Apocalypse, Ando has something to say._

Ando: Say Hiro. If we do manage to save the world by stopping the bomb, won't that create a paradox?

Hiro: Say what?

Ando: Think about it! You found out about the explosion by going into the future and seeing it. But if we stop the bomb, and your past self ventures into the future and there's no bomb, then what's gonna motivate you to come to America to stop the bomb in the first place?

Hiro: My dear Ando, if our show was that concerned with paradoxes, the universe would have imploded the moment me and my future faced each other. Or at least dragon like creatures would appear from limbo and start killing everyone.

* * *

_Meanwhile at the Petrelli home…_

Angela: Okay, explain to me again why you're crashing here, Peter? Not that it isn't nice to have you here, but don't you have your own place?

Peter: I'm just staying here to recover from my mortal wound that I've instantly healed from. (Drawing) Damnit! I don't understand! I've drawn out all my powers, yet I'm still threatening to explode? How could this be happening?

Commentator: I don't suppose it ever occurred to you that Claude's assumption why you're going to explode is wrong, have you?

Peter: -Pfft, yeah right! Apart from not handling all these super powers, what else could possibly make me explode like a nuclear bomb?

Commentator: Oh, I don't know, how about absorbing a mutant's power to explode like a nuclear bomb?

Peter: …You know, I never thought of that. But I don't know any nuclear men!

Claire: I know one.

* * *

Peter: So, this Ted has nuclear powers?

Commentator: I see now. You must have met Ted in the future, and absorbed his power, and that is what makes you explode and take half of New York! Makes you think you were wasting your time with Claude, doesn't it? Well It's obvious what you have to do. As long as you stay away from Ted as far as possible, nothing can go wrong-

Peter: (Starts drawing) I need to track down this Ted.

Commentator: WAIT WHAT? WHY?

Peter: Because there's a chance that he's the bomb and I must stop him.

Nathan: Hold the phone! I thought according to your visions, you're the bomb?

Peter: Just because these visions that have always come true have shown me what causes the bomb, it doesn't mean that they're wrong about the one little detail!

Commentator: YOU FOOL! Don't you realise it? You meeting Ted is what makes you the bomb in the first place!

Claire: You know, most people who learn that meeting this person makes them destroy half of a city and kill millions of people would STAY AWAY from the person as far as possible, not GO STRAIGHT TOWARDS THEM!

Peter: True, but if television, literature and real life has taught me anything, it's that those who try to fight their apparent fate will only make it come true and quicker than later!

Commentator: True.

Peter: There. Found his location! By the way, Claire, I need you to come with me.

Claire: Why?

Peter: To shoot me in the head in case I start to detonate since you're the only person who can get close enough to me.

Claire: No! The universe can't be dumb enough that my destiny is to kill you!

Commentator: You do know that he can just come back from the dead once the bullet is removed, right?

Claire: No.

Peter: Either way, Claire, the world needs you.

Claire: Oh fine! Let me get my coat. GRANDMA! I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH UNCLE PETER TO SAVE THE WORLD!

Angela: Just be back at Six 0'Clock, dear!

_Will Claire have the strength to kill her beloved uncle even though he can just come back from the dead afterwards? Can Hiro kill Sylar and save the world? Will Ted turn out to be the bomb after all? All of this will be revealed, NOW: No to all of the above. However don't miss the exciting conclusion of 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary): Genesis'!_


	11. Landslide Stops Exploding Man

**I do not own 'Heroes' or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back my normal and hero wannabe friends to the final instalment of 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary): Genesis'. Before we begin let's take a look at some of the reviews you've sent us. PROFESSOR! OPEN THE SHOOT!

(The Professor does so, and out pops eight envelopes)

Commentator: Right then! Our first review is from Selena Antares:

Yet again, great chapter. I love the part about the dragon-like creatures from limbo. :)

Commentator: Yes, there was a little 'Doctor Who' reference.

Professor: Our second review is from YinYang13:

I love this fic. I find it so funny! I like how you point out all the little plot inconsistencys...did I spell that right?  
Anyway! Can't wait for the next chapter!

It's actually inconsistencies.

Sammy: Our third review is from AlmightySeaKelp:

All this talk of X Men... now I'm waiting for Claire to grow Adamantium claws. Another excellent chapter! XD

Commentator: Wouldn't be surprised given the latest change made to Claire that completely contradicts her character previously. Our fourth review is from BellaRide28:

Wow, I love this parody so much! It is so funny... And, it even follows the story line (unlike some other parodies I have read...). SO, please update soon and keep all of your viewers happy!

We wouldn't dream of making our reviewers unhappy! Except when we don't update regularly.

Professor: Our fifth review is from Haruko Kurimasu:

, no "Sylar goes to Snowglobe-happy Virginia's house" scene? :( You could've made some great comparisons between Virginia Gray and Margaret White! Like, for instance, they both get murdered by their telekinetic offspring, proclaim the said telekinetic children as cursed, and their husbands are both gone since said telekinetic children were small. Oh, and they're both crazy and try to kill their kids first. WE NEED CARRIE JOKES! Or at least a reference!  
The whole Dr. Who Time Traveling stuff gave me a headache O_O. I guess I should start watching that show! :D  
Oh, and since Peter's geographically stupid, you should have him trying to figure out what part of New York Sylar's from in Kirby Plaza!

Sylar: Mohinder mentioned your inability to understand a world map! I'm from Brooklyn, BROOKLYN!  
Peter: Are you sure it isn't Queens?  
Sylar: ENOUGH! (telekinetically chokes Peter) BROOKLYN! I'LL BEAT IT INTO YOU FIRST!  
Peter: PYLAR!  
Sylar: ...What?  
Peter: What?  
XD

Yes well I'm afraid Peter is only geographically stupid outside of the U.S. I'm sure he would know which part Sylar's from.

Sammy: Our sixth review is from jcogginsa:

very keanu reeves. lol

Commentator: Yes, interesting story behind that reference. It was originally conceived, and written, to be in a fanfic idea Anonymius had about this powerful mutant taking over the future instead of Sylar, and he later confronts Peter in that scene and says that line. However, given that there was little thought and progress given to that idea, and the increasing popularity of this parody, we decided to transfer the line and give it to Sylar.

"DAMN YOU, ANONYMIUS!"

Commentator: Quiet, you. Our seventh review is from petrelli heiress:

Sylar:...By the way, I love the trench coat look. Very Keanu Reeves.  
Peter: Yeah, I have a thing for Neo.

*snigger* I love that you keep mentioning how unemotional a lot of them are, like Peter about Nathan being dead/actually Sylar. Heh.

I loved how Mohinder kept shouting about the best special effects battle he'd ever seen, and how Hiro just wanted to see it...

This show has far too many paradoxes, I just try to ignore them.

On the whole, loved it :)

Commentator: Yes, when Anonymius was watching Heroes towards the end he wondered what would happened if they succeeded. They probably would have said that it happened in a 'different reality', the lamest and most popular method of wrapping up temporal plotholes.

Professor: And our eighth review is from queenoftheoutlands:

"Sylar: Excellent. Let us begin the greatest special effects battle ever produced on-"  
Why must they always do this to us? I mean missing the 5YG one was bad enough but then the whole Invisible Thread Epic!SylarvsPetrellifight that only Claire got to see? It really isn't fair.  
Meanwhile, you really have to put your hillarious parody skills onto Virginia Gray the creepy snow-globe lady and mistress of mind-screwing. Because she deserves it. Big time.

Commentator: Yes, Anonymius felt the same way. I myself was a little annoyed how they built us up for this big showdown then close the doors.

Professor: A little? Sir, you smashed doors down with a axe just so you could see the fight!

Commentator: Well someone was bound to be driven insane by the Heroes writing staff! It just happened to be me! Well that seems to be everyone! So here it is, the final chapter, "Landslide Stops Exploding Man!"

* * *

_Previously on 'Heroes', D.L. confronts his wife Niki, who has been taken over by Jessica._

D.L.: Who are you?

(Jessica smiles)

Commentator: Wait, I don't recall this scene ever occurring in 'Heroes'.

Professor: It looks like something out of a deleted scene, leaving the viewers completely confused as to how D.L. came to the conclusion that something isn't right with his wife.

_Meanwhile in New York, Nathan's wife and his sons have returned from an inexplicable journey._

Nathan: So dear, how was 24 Land?

Heidi: Not too bad, mind you. My other husband turned out to be a terrorist, then was murdered, then my son was kidnapped by his grandfather and my brother-in-law managed to rescue him before the ship he was on was blown up by the government. Other than that, it was pretty good. So what's been happening while I was away?

Nathan: Oh I came to terms with being a mutant and Linderman is trying to get me to go along with this plan to blow up New York in order to bring world peace. Oh, and it turns out I have an illegitimate daughter with an old flame.

Heidi: Oh right. WAIT, WHAT? A DAUGHTER?

_Meanwhile in New York, Nathan has doubts about Linderman's plans, no doubt because of the numerous flaws in it._

Angela: Linderman tells me you've been having doubts.

Nathan: Gasp! YOU know about the plan?

Angela: It isn't just Linderman's plan. We've all had a part in it.

Nathan: GASP! But that means-

Angela: Yes, Nathan. I- am a member of the higest rank in the Company!

DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!

Nathan: WOW! WHAT A TWIST! WHAT A SHOCKING REVELATION! WHAT A- wait. But that means you have an ability.

Angela: Yes.

Nathan: And did Dad also have an ability?

Angela: Yes.

Nathan: So you knew that your children would gain mutant powers.

Angela: What are you getting at?

Nathan: So, if you're mutants, and you knew Peter and I were mutants- why did you never tell us that we were going to have super powers or get us involved in the Company?

Angela: Because, Nathan, this is a show about normal people discovering they have extraordinary abilities, and it wouldn't be much of a shock for you if we told you beforehand.

Nathan: But-But- the fact that the parents have powers- and never told or confided their children- THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!

_Meanwhile in New York, our Hiro's father has come to him in order to help him save the world._

Kaito: You see Hiro, I knew about your powers.

Hiro: But how-?

Kaito: Because I too-am a mutant.

DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!

Hiro: WOW! WHAT A TWIST! WHAT A SHOCKING REVELATION! WHAT A- wait a minute! If you knew that I was going to have superpowers then why didn't you tell me beforehand, or let alone let me know that you and Mum had powers?

Kaito: Because, Hiro, this is a show about normal people discovering...

_Meanwhile in New York, Kaito explains to Hiro about the masterminds behind the Apocalyspe._

Kaito: This entire exploding man thing has been orchestrated by former colleagues of mine, who also have super powers, that is until they unveiled their insane plan to unify the world by causing a great catastrophe in New York. When I and others pointed out that no country in their right mind was going to submit to American authority because of an event that didn't occur in their own country and that it would end up with norms persecuting our kind, they kept rambling about 'expendable losses' and 'the greater good' and '0.07%'. So now I've decided to teach you how to use a sword in order to fight Sylar.

Hiro: But doesn't it take years to master a sword?

Kaito: Hiro, be realistic here. In the real world it does take years to master a certain martial art, but in the world of television and film it takes only a matter of minutes. Hours at the most.

_Meanwhile in New York, Candice Wilman explains to Micah as to why she is helping Linderman._

Candice: You don't know what it's like, to be shunned by the world because you are different. But soon, thanks to Linderman, nobody will care that others are different.

Micah: But, wouldn't a catastrophe caused by a mutant make people even more intolerant towards those who are different?

Candice: ...Maybe...

_Meanwhile in New York, D.L. and Jessica have tracked down Linderman in the hopes of finding their son, only to find something horrific._

D.L.: Oh my God!

Jessica: Our entire lives have been manipulated in some kind of diabolical scheme!

Linderman: Mwahahaha! Yes, it is true. I have been manipulating your lives in order for you two to produce a mutant who can talk to machines in order to rig an election so that Nathan Petrelli wins! Even though the ability that emerges is always random.

D.L.: Wait, you're seriously trying to tell us that over three decades, you've been arranging our lives so that me and Niki would meet, fall in love, get married and have a son, with an ability that's always random, just so you could rig an election, when there are so many simpler ways to do it?

Linderman: I'm a criminal genius, I have a weakness for highly elaborated, unnecessarily complicated schemes that take forever to get in motion.

_Meanwhile in New York, after killing Isaac and taking his power, Sylar has painted a painting that depicts him fighting a certain someone he thought dead._

Sylar: Peter Petrelli. The Sherlock Holmes to my Moriaty. The Simpsons to my Family Guy. The Lost to my Heroes. I could go on, but I won't.

* * *

_Meanwhile at the Company's morally ambiguous headquarters, HRG and Matt prepare themselves for their future encounter with Sylar._

HRG: We need to find Peter. He's the only one powerful enough to fight Sylar.

Matt: Forget it. I'm gonna take on Sylar myself.

HRG:...Okay, you do remember that he's a telekinetic who can freeze and throw back anything anyone throws back unless they're another telekinetic, right?

Matt: Your point being?

HRG: Any bullets you try to shoot at him will just be stopped in mid air and flung back at you.

Matt: That's not gonna stop me! (Walks away)

HRG: But-but-ARRRRRRRGH!

_Meanwhile in Peter's-vision-travel to the past thing- a talk with his mentor like figure Charles Deveaux assures him that he will save the world._

Charles: Ah, I can die happy now knowing that the world is in safe hands.

Commentator: Actually I've read ahead in the script and it turns out that Peter is the bomb.

Charles: ...Oh...

Professor: SIR!

Commentator: What, I'm just saying!

_Meanwhile at the headquarters of moral ambiguity, Niki and D.L., who have found Micah, while escaping meet up with HRG, Matt, Mohinder and Molly._

Niki, D.L., Micah, HRG, Matt, Mohinder and Molly: Oh look a group of complete strangers. Let's just accept them without worry who they are!

_Meanwhile outside, Sylar and Peter meet up for their final showdown._

Sylar: And now, Peter, let us begin the greatest special effects battle ever produced on national television! FORCE STRANGLE!

Peter: GAK!

Sylar: Your move.

Peter: GAK! GAK! GAK!

Sylar: You're serious? You're just going to float there helpless, even though you could fling me back or use your telekinesis to free you? Huh. This isn't quite like what my painting depicted. I thought this was supposed to be a fierce battle?

Commentator: Yeah, it seems that the universe tends to portray Peter as less pathetic than he really is, like that painting that depicted him flying when he actually plummeted to the ground.

Sylar: Well this is quite disappointing.

Commentator: You're not the only one who's disappointed.

Matt: Sylar! Take this!

Gun: BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!

Sylar: (Stops the bullets with his telekinesis) Oh please, did you really think that you could shoot a telekinetic?

Matt: Yes!

Sylar: -But-but you know- AGGGGGGGGGGGGH! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! Seriously, you're about as bright as Peter is not pathetic!

Matt: Well that can't be right, Sylar. Cos Peter is really pathetic!

Sylar: -That's it. I'm going to do all the fans a favour and kill the most annoying character in all of Heroes.

Claire: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I know I can be a whiny bitch, but it's just the teenage hormones I swe-

Sylar: I was talking about Parkman.

Claire: Oh. Really, he's more annoying than me?

Sylar: You're annoying?

Bullets: WHOOSH

Matt: GAK!

Fans: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Peter: I don't think the fans were too impressed with your decision.

Sylar: They don't know what they want.

Niki: HOORAY! (Tears off a lamp post) I'm helping this person for no reason!

Post: WHACK

Sylar: Owie.

Peter: Go back to your son!

Niki: And now I'm going away for no reason!

_And so with the ability he gained from Niki, Peter manages to defeat Sylar. However, when his hands start glowing, he realises something to his horror._

Peter: Oh no! I'M the bomb! OH IF ONLY I SAW THIS COMING! Oh wait. I did.

Sylar: You know you really suck at this 'saving the world' business.

(Hiro appears)

Hiro: SYLAR!

Sylar: You!

(Hiro stabs him)

Sylar: GAK! Why…Didn't I dodge that? (Falls to the ground).

Peter: Hiro! You've got to kill me!

Commentator: Aren't you confused how he looks nothing like the Hiro you met?

Peter: Now isn't the time to be confused about things!

Professor: For once, you people actually make sense.

_Unfortunately before Hiro could kill Peter Sylar flung him away for some reason._

Sylar: (Dying) Is this the end of Sylar?

Sylar's Head hitting the ground: Yep.

Peter: CLAIRE! DO IT! IT'S THE ONLY WAY!

Claire: (In tears) No! I can't kill my own uncle!

Commentator: Er…HE CAN COME BACK FROM THE DEAD ONCE THE BULLET'S REMOVED, YOU STUPID GIRL! This has been shown before, why are you hesitating! You're really not fighting the stereotype that all blonds are stupid, you know!

Cliare: No! There has to be another way!

Nathan: (Flies down) Yes there is.

Claire: -How did you know what I said when you were miles away?

Nathan: -Errrrrrrrr….Super hearing?

_And so Nathan flies Peter high above New York, allowing him to detonate without harming anyone. Save himself and his brother._

Claire: Oh dear. Instead of shooting my uncle in the head, which would have only killed him temporarily, I've now permanently lost both my biological dad and uncle.

Suresh: Hold on, I thought he couldn't die?

Noah: You know what, I don't think that fact stays in people's head as firmly as you'd think.

D.L. : Wait, was that it?

Niki: Huh?

D.L.: That was the big season finale that this entire series had been building up to?

Niki: What more did you want?

D.L.: Oh I don't know, how about every character playing their part in stopping the apocalypse? I mean isn't that what we were promised at the beginning of this series? I mean the only person who did anything useful was Nathan!

Niki: Well when you think about it, everyone played their part in stopping the Apocalypse.

D.L.: Huh?

Niki: Well, Hiro informed Nathan that the bomb wasn't going to make the world a happy place, which made him question the path he took. Then Claire convinced him that the future wasn't set in stone, which convinced him that there is no fate but what we make, and that wouldn't have been possible if Peter hadn't saved her.

HRG: Huh. So what part did the others play in saving the world?

Niki: I haven't worked that out yet.

Claire: And where was the big fight we were promised with the heroes versus Sylar?

HRG: Apparently this show isn't about big fights.

Claire: I can understand that. What I don't understand is them building the viewers up for this climatic battle, only to give them Sylar choking on Peter then the latter punching the former! I haven't felt this let down since I read the ending of 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows'!

HRG: Oh you just hated it because she didn't kill off Harry Potter, like she was "supposed to"!

Claire: What, was a little sacrificial death of the most annoying character in a children's book series in order to wrap up the series too much to ask?

HRG: As the epilogue showed, you don't need to kill off the main character in order to wrap up the series.

Mohinder: Well then, I think all we need now to wrap up the series is one of my speeches. Ahem. Blah blah blah evolution blah blah blah destiny blah blah blah God blah blah blah.

Commentator: That pretty much sums up every speech you've ever made.

BA DUM CH

THE END

* * *

Commentator: Well, that's the great epic of 'Heroes Abridged with Commentary' Season One over and done with. I admit when this first started it didn't look hopeful. Now it's one of Anonymius' more successful fanfics! Unlike some of the more serious stuff he's written. Anyhoo, there's not much really to add, except tune in for a month's time for 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary): Generations'. Unless there's a chance that Anonymius has moved on to other things that is.

Claire, Matt and Isaac: HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

Commentator: -What do you three want?

Claire, Matt and Isaac: We're the only heroes who didn't get any sort of brief comic booky form!

Commentator: ...Why would you want to?

Claire, Matt and Isaac: Oh come on! Please?

Commentator: Fine then! Here's your comic book forms!

* * *

_Ever miss 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer'? Miss those times during her High School years where she struggled with her superhero identity like Spiderman without the cheezy costume? Mad at those network idiots who prevented 'Buffy The Animated Series' from being produced so you could have year after year of Buffy and her friends and their relationships frozen in time for all eternity like that episode of 'Angel'? Well mourn no more! Cos now you have: RESSURECTION GIRL! Feisty cheerleader Claire Bennett struggles with her duel identity as the costumed crime fighter along with cheerleading and homework. Hmm. You wonder how she gets anything done. Just like Buffy. And like Buffy she has to keep this a secret from her family, to protect them or whatever lame excuse heroes are using nowadays to keep up their secret identity. And during all of this, her only confident who knows her secret identity is her friend Zach, the boy she loves, but it can never be, just like with Buffy and Angel. However it's because he's gay, not because of some curse that would be broken if they were to have sex and he'd lose his soul and turn into a monster or anything. So if you love Buffy the Vampire Slayer, then you'll like Ressurection Girl! Coming soon to a television network near you._

* * *

_Since a recent solar eclipse (Apparently) Matt Parkman has had the ability to read minds. While struggling to cope with this ability and keeping it a secret, Matt as Mindcop uses its power to help people in need. So tune in to 'Mindcop'! Coming soon to a television network near you. (Or if you'd rather watch a similar show without all the cheesy costumes watch 'The Listener' instead!)_

* * *

_Ever get tired of all those superhero shows where the hero actually does something? Prefer that all they did was moan about what was going to happen without doing anything about it?Want to watch a superhero show with no action at all? Other than 'Heroes' that is? Well look no further! Cos we're bringing you 'Oracle'! Watch as episode after episode all he does is paint like some art show. And unlike other precogs like in 'Medium' or 'Dead Zone' where the main characters actually try to prevent the future, all Oracle does is whine about it! So tune in to 'Oracle'! Coming soon to a television network near you._

* * *

Commentator: There! Happy now?

Claire, Matt and Isaac: What the-

Commentator: Good! So tune in to 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary): Generations' in a month's time (probably), which will be a separate fanfic! Coming soon to a fanfictiondotnet near you.


End file.
